Hash Trash 1519
10 September 2012
Venue: Jackie’s Bar
Hares: Tiny Sausage, Wounded Knee, Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
GM: Cockroach
RA: Shaggy Haggis
Good trail I thought, because just as I became cream-crackered, we came to a check, and I got my breath back. But then everything went downhill, though not literally, unfortunately. The Beer Stop was about as far from the On Home as you could get. And then we had to run from Coral Beach to the DoubleTree without a check. And it was as black as the Ace of Spades by the time we made it home. Little wonder that Tiny Sausage scarpered sharpish after ‘And the Hares…’.
Any road, the GM announced that the protocol for the night was left-handed drinking, and Squirrel and several others struggled to get the hang of this. Flatulence and Horny Goat were given bespoke T-shirts to remember us by – they will soon be heading south (geographically). NWH may or may not be at Arizona Grill. We then had the Pleb Olympics (where does he get these ideas from? And, more to the point, why? Ed). The Dum Dum team won Gold, Team GB grabbed Silver, and the Ginger Nuts Team were lucky to get Bronze after a crotch of theirs hit an official in the face (not hard enough in my view, Ed). And with most Hashers having consumed a few beers by now and interested only in getting their teeth on Jackie’s mishkaki, we then had to endure the tedium of interrogating the Virgins and hearing of their plebeian FSPs. Inspector Gadget looked nervous as he was told to take the Hashit gear off - as well he might, having run the run without wearing the toilet seat – but worse was to come – the GM selected him to be the Tiny Sausage lookalike. Others nominated for Hashit, seemingly just to make up the numbers, included CandyMan (and he wasn’t even on the Hash) Strap-On (can’t remember but probably being noisy) Squirrel (addicted to right-handed drinking) and Just Shane (pissisting in coming to the Hash not properly dressed). Despite the voting the GM awarded the Hashit to Just Shane. The Circle ended with – yes, you guessed it – Swing Low Sweet Chariot….Coming 4 2 take me Home…
On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1518
3 September 2012
Venue: Wounded Knee’s Tepee
Hares: Wounded Knee, Nurse Ratched
GM: Cockroach
Guest RA: RockClimber
Castrato said the run was ‘outstanding’. Long periods of abstinence does funny things to your brain. Easy Let said that after consuming five date-expired Savannas she found the trail a little fuzzy round the edges, but she made it back ok. What a trooper that woman is! Slappa was said to be the best Tiny Sausage lookalike we have, which is a bit surprising considering the competition, but, any road, she or he will be hosting next week’s Hash at Jackie’s Bar.
Cremey Cum is leaving us, which makes us very sad, because it is a pity to lose such a good Hash name. She was given the honour of being our first female Hashtronaut, and aided? by Koochy Gucci, she splashed the frothy cum all over herself. Very satisfying to see. It was then Koochy Gucci’s turn and he did a better job, albeit with the aid of a funnel. Virgins included Sam, Steve x 2, Kevin, Petra, and Chow Mein, but not forgetting Angelica whose FSP is ’ any in which I can still have easy access to my country music collection.’. Slappa announced to everyone that ‘she was from the best country in the world’ so we sang the Stars and Stripes in her honour – which made her mad as hell. The Circle decided that Roo couldn’t go to the altar without a Hash Name – ‘Sphincteroo’ had a nice ring to it, but the Circle in their wisdom (sic) chose ‘Roobidextrous.’ And Just Tom was named ‘CrapperO’Napper ’ for his ability to fall asleep even when crimping off a length. Inspector Gadget (last week’s Hashit bearer) took off the regalia with evident relief and scuffed it maliciously into the dirt. Many nominations for Hashit were received and they were all for Inspector Gadget. And so it came to pass. The Circle ended with the singing of Swing Low Sweet Chariot, and we finally got to the food. Great Food!
On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1517 - The Wedding Hash
27 August 2012
Venue: Candy Cathedral
Hares: Candyman, Rock Climber, Panty Pockets
GM: Cockroach
Brides: Desperate, Shark-Killer
Grooms: Shaggy Haggis, Umbilical
Flower Girl: Sparkle
Page Boy: Kili N Dogo
Fathers of the Brides: Polycarp, EweShagger
Mothers of the Brides: Panty Pockets, Boogie Boobs
Best Men: Flatulence, CandyMan
Minister: The Very Reverend Wet Dream
Organist: BagoBones
Wedding Cake by EasyLet
Confetti by the Candybrats
Cathedral decorated by Candyblower
Catering by Arizona Grill
Dogs trained ? by Inspector Gadget
Impressed that Candyman had organised Chrysococcyx klaas to serenade us at the first check. Common and widespread it might be, but they are damned hard to spot, so all credit to Outlaw for tracking it down. There followed a classic Candyman counter-intuitive trail fooling everyone, not just Banzai and Bananas in Pajamas. The long trudge back down Haile Selassie in the dark took the edge off things, though the tail-enders had fun squeezing a dog through a metal grill. Next Weeks Hash will be hosted by Nurse Ratched and Wounded Knee.
The Wedding of Desperate to Shaggy and Umbilical to Shark-Killer was a very moving occasion that brought tears to the eyes of everyone. The Grooms were nervous, but as their beautiful brides came up the aisle, all dressed in white and looking virginal (despite one of them clearly being in the pudding club) they knew the wait had been worthwhile. The Brides’ Flower Girl had her thumb in her mouth all the time and their Page Boy was picking his nose – so cute. The couples took their vows ….’to give you blowjobs, …till death us do part.’ Rings were exchanged and then the Minister declared them Man and Wife. And then the fun started. We laughed at them and with them. Despite them having quite a lot of practice at being married, Desperate (blindfolded) couldn’t identify Shaggy’s tackle from just the feel, and similarly Shaggy couldn’t identify Desperate’s squashy bits. A stripper tried to get a rise out of Umbilical, and Hashers coughed up various items that they had collected on clandestine late-night visits to Shark-Killer’s boudoir. The Brides threw their bouquets over their shoulders to be caught by wannabe brides ..Just Joyce.. and Shaggy !!*#*. (Pics on the website soon).
The GM hadn’t forgotten the Virgins, and as we are running out of space the vital information of public interest is tabulated below:
Table 1 – Virgins biodata – Hash 1517
Name

Country of origin

Sex

Favourite Sexual Position
Just Sam

U.S.A.

Male

The Lazy Dog
Just Hannah

Australia

Female

Underwater
Shark-Killer

India

Yes please

Umbilical on top
Desperate

Scotland

Any time any place

Anything in a kilt

Candidates for Hashit included Bananas in Pajamas for being an FRB and not wearing the toilet seat, CandyMan for setting a 10k run, Inspector Gadget for fomenting the doggy riot, and Second Cumming for being Second Cumming. The honour went to Inspector Gadget. And the Circle ended with SLSC.
On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1516
20 August 2012
Venue: Gary Glitter’s Gaff
Hares: Gary Glitter, Second Cumming, Just Katharine
GM: Cockroach
RA: Shaggy Haggis
We were warned to be on our best behaviour as Her Titanic Majesty’s Deputy High Commissioner to Bongoland was going to grace the Hash with her presence, but all she did was drive past us in her limo splashing us with muddy water. As if we hadn’t been splattered enough by Hooligan Hashers on exiting from Gary’s Gate. In future let’s not have Hashes at places where there are big puddles outside the gate – it’s just asking for trouble. Shaggy got carried away and started splashing everyone, whether they were a Hasher or not – amazing we didn’t get Rippered. Next weeks Hash will be at Valhalla, where I have been assured there will be no standing water.
The Circle was somewhat subdued, as Santa is leaving for us for colder climes and Fully Fitted is awaiting deportation. Where was John? - he would have livened things up. The GM announced that it was to be another left-handed drinking night which some Hashers just couldn’t get the hang of – yes we’re talking about Roo of course who got Hashit last week for the same disability, but fair doos mate, he is an Ozzy after all. So many fighting dogs and their yapping owners – to my mind there just aren’t enough Korean restaurants on the Peninsula to keep the problem under control. The Doggies – The Cock Doctor, Boogie Boobs, Gary Glitter, and Inspector Gadget (in spirit) – were called into the Circle for a DD. Seconds later The Cock Doctor was back in there again together with Creamy Cum and Sir Lanceseslut for managing to stay clean despite Second Cumming and Rock Climbers best efforts. Just Scott was made to drink out of one of his new shoes but it was as leaky as a Zanzibar ferry. The RA fingered two Virgins, Joanna and Chelsea, neither of whom had FSPs that raised the …spirits of the males present. The Hashit went to Bananas in Pajamas (always a popular choice) and then we sang ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ as they do in all the best Circles.
On On
BoB

Hares: Second Cumming, Cock Doctor and AiAiAiAiiii
GM: Cockroach
RA: Shaggy Haggis

Run number 1515 set off from the cock doctor’s abode and meandered it’s way towards the beach near the fish market. A long beach run followed until shortly after watching the Tanzania olympic gymnastics team training we headed inland to our beer stop at Oilcom on Old Bagamoyo before returning for cold beers back at the start. The Run was described as long, sandy, hard and in the wrong direction, we were glad it was only the run he described. Just Sally complained that the walk was hard on her little legs, so next week we’ll set a midget trail.

Santa and Chocolate starfish were called in for a farewell as this was their last DSM hash, inexplicably people wanted them to trade shirts and not pants...

Next weeks hash will be hosted by Tiny Sausage, an email with more information will follow in due course.

The RA and GM we’re clearly smoking the right stuff this weekend as they entered the circle as overdressed condoms claiming to have started Hasha (rip off of Nasa). They had invented an ingenious drinking machine (aptly named “Kiliosity” even tho we were drinking warm Safari?) which interesting enough swings both ways... Numerous hashstronaughts we’re called in to test this low gravity aparatus, Cucchi Gucci for being a little premature, Fully fitted who fitted it well and then a double of Shark Killer and Umbilical (one required a “box” to help raise their... um... standards, we’ll let you guess who); they did much better then expected giving an upcoming marriage and the circle was disappointed at the lack or pre-marital fireworks. All in all, the aparatus was suprisingly brilliant given the reprobates we let run the hash...

The RA bought in the left handed drinking rule (called Buffalo for those who are not used to regular drinking games) and Sir-lances-a-lot took it upon himself to be a very effective snitch. In particular Roo’s ambidexterity has him in warm safari water on numerous occasions.

There was a 10 minute period where no one really knows what happened, something about the olympics and a lost control song somewhere in there. There was also something about My little pony doing a goat test on creamy cum but I cannot seem to remember (or perhaps my brain doesn’t want to remember due to the various atrocities).

There were loads of misdemeanours: First up, the regular late cummers, then ACDC was punished for being pearl necklaced (all over her head), Cockroach was punished for being a hash slash. Cock Doctors was called in to help explain the various hashers’ VD but all she could talk about was the GM. When one GM drinks, all GMs drink... for the 4th time. The RA (who was already well dressed in his fully body condom) was called in to do a gastointestinal inspection for the GM and could only find a few burgers from last year’s 4th of July hash.

Returnees and deportees were called in, but we were bored and hungry so didn’t really pay attention (how could you top a gastointestinal inspection?).
The virgins were a bunch of poofters:

Chris, SA, self abuser (he surfs the web) and FSP is the koeksister (google it!)
John, SA, Chris and FSP missionary (or was it MIssionary and FSP was Chris?)
Barry (who sounded like Mary), from the dumb dumb place over the pond, the RA’s mom (you’re so original!!!!) and FSP was chocolate starfish (I bet he didn’t know her name at the time)
Henry, London, Cucchi Gucci and also Missionary

They were sent off without knowing what they were drinking before the GM gave us a strange story about having lunch in the evening and dinner during the day, somehow that related to Candyblower’s car keys and a pharmacy.
Hash shit nominations went to Roo for not having a clue, Shafted for nominating the GM, Sir Lances-a-lot for being a hash rat and Second Cumming for trying to get hashers mugged. It was a tie between Sir Lances-a-lot and clueless Roo, and in the end Roo was a confortable winner of the highest order of the hash. SLSC was sung and on on food for a great bit of curry made by our host, Cock Doctor.

On On,
RockClimber

Hash 6 / 8 / 2012

Hash Number: unknown….who is the bean counter?

Hares:

1) Santa and unknown male for the runners: Bonsai pointed out that the run was painful. On a positive note it was a good opportunity to ogle at the local breasts / boobs/ ta-tas / milk jugs / etc.

2) Grease my shaft for the walkers: the walk did not meet expectations surprise surprise; there were too many mini hashers and not enough beer stops.

Next week’s hash is with Cock Doctor! The venue will be communicated by email. Hoon t-shirts are still on sale; bring your cash. Far too many misdemeanors to recount all but here is a sample. This week’s miscreants included Boxer (et al.) for wearing awful spandex.

Also the misdemeanor of stretching on the Hash by Tiny Sausage, Boxer, Wounded Knee & Bonsai (all regular hashers). Has old age memory loss meant they’ve forgotten hash protocol? Kili-do-go got a mini-down-down for not wearing a hash t-shirt.

Shaggy Haggis and Gary Glitter continued to make too much noise and came last on the run. They came from behind - 10 minutes behind the pack. Isn’t there something you can take for that kind of problem?

A special returnee Me-so-Horny was welcomed back from the UK and Shaggy Haggis from Scotland. Newly named hasher Chocolate Star fish was baptized. Virgins a plenty but the only thing I remember are the sexual positions: reveres cow girl x2, missionary, 69 x2 and on my back.

There was a drinking race which was unanimously won by the WetDream Team. Finally Hash Shit appropriately goes to …..WetDream.

On-On

SlappA

Hash Trash 1511
23 July 2012
The last Hash of Head Gasket.

Hash Trash 1512
30 July 2012
Venue: Oooor Hoose
Hares: Little MG, Stripper, Wet Dream
GM: Cockroach
RA: Wet Dream

Hashers turned out in their hundreds for this very special Hash in honour of Head Gasket - an extraordinary Hasher who was responsible for so much noisy fun and laughter, and who brought so many new people into the Dar Hash family – one of them was My Little Pony, who came to tonight’s Hash dressed in a robe and crown made of …yes…head gaskets. Everyone was given a commemorative T-shirt with a great photo of Paddy on the front – a photo taken I think at Bitch and Fat Bastard’s Wedding in Morogoro. Every year from now we will hold a Hash in memory of Head Gasket, and all the proceeds will go to charity. It will be a red dress run, or, in view of the fact that so many Hashers are into cross dressing, a red dress weekend!
Hashers were delighted to find that there were two beer stops – one for a group grope and photo outside the George and Dragon, and another in the sky with champagne and punch. Protocol demanded that the order of service be reversed, so first up was the ordination of MLP as this weeks holder of the Hashit. Then Castrato was dragged in for wearing his wife’s red drawers (U.S. knickers). The GM took pity on him because his wife (Nuts$Lurve no less) is having a high old time on the razzle in Pennsylvania, leaving him to curl up on the sofa at night with DSTV – so he was asked to choose a couple of Harriettes who he’d like to take home with him. But give a Yank an inch and he’ll take a mile, and he fingered about a dozen them. Good to see that they drenched him with their Down Downs, but they should have had his drawers down.
The RA, wearing a condom on his head (once a DickHead always a DickHead as they say), reminded us of the havoc that Head Gasket’s rotweilers brought to the Hash, and this led to all the Doggies being dragged into the Circle: The Cock Doctor, Inspector Gadget, Twist, Fat Bastard, Boogie Boobs and PuffDog Millionaire. Slappa also made an appearance on account of her being the last woman to be chatted up by Head Gasket – joined soon by many other Harriettes who had enjoyed his attentions over the years. Several Hashers tried to mimic the rantings of Paddy Patel, but couldn’t quite capture the brilliance of the original. All the children came into the Circle, including some of the many lovely kids in Paddy’s extended family.
The male Virgins were then interrogated by Boogie Boobs of all people, who cuddled each of them in turn while they whispered sweet nothings into her ear – leaving the rest of us none the wiser about their FSPs. This was no loss though, as most of us were salivating at the line-up of hot female Virgins who were on next – including High-Class Deli, Gin and Toniq, Luscious Lisa, and Eureka - a swim-suited voluptuous Swedish blonde in serious need of a bikini wax. Her FSP involved Rock Climber plunging into the depths of her cleavage.
We then sang all the verses of “And the Hares ……” – one of Head Gasket’s favourite hymns. Squirrel tried to disrupt the proceedings by stamping on the empty beer cans – just as Head Gasket would have done. The Circle ended, as it always should, with us all singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. It was a wonderful Hash – Head Gasket would have loved it.

On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1510
16 July 2012
Venue: Arizona Grill
Hares: Rock Climber, Shafted, Second Coming
GM: Rock Climber
Guest RA: Second Coming
There is a lot to be said for meeting the people, but, as I brushed past a pair of lacy knickers (on a washing line I should add) and averted my eyes from a mama coming out of her cludgie, I began to think that Rock Climber was getting us a bit too up close and personal. The runners were very ready for the beer stop, but the beer truck, having got a bit hot and bothered in the evening traffic, had expired well short of its destination. The walkers were on a marathon tour of the northern suburbs, and so were even later to the beer stop than the beer truck, and arrived back hours after the runners.
The Circle was the usual noisy blur and your Scribe focussed instead on trying to prise some popcorn out of Sparkle’s mucky clutches – not easy – but it did seem that Slappa – a notorious waster - featured heavily. Boxer has organised next weeks Hash by asking Squirrel to arrange the venue, the food and set the trail. Sad to hear that Missionary Impossible (FRB par excellence) and his Missus are heading back across the pond. Virgins came and went without exciting much interest, and then it was time to award the Hashit. There wasn’t much doubt in my mind but a lot of Hashers wasted their votes on Rock Climber. Of course it went to Can’t Get It Up Adam for his snafu over the beer stop. And after all this ho-hum stuff we ended with AWESOME food. Everyone was GOB-SMACKED.
On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1509
9 July 2012
Venue: Cocaine Beach
Hares: Hitler, DumbAss, Panty Pockets
GM: Cockroach
Guest RA: Second Cumming assisted? by Rock Climber
Storekeeper said it was too bloody long and scored it 2 out of 10. Let’s wait and see if he can do better when? he sets the trail. Even if I hadn’t seen it with my own two peepers, I would have known this trail was set from a car – and of course for all those safety geeks amongst you this is a ‘no no’ on several counts – not least being that it is dangerous to walk / run on the left side of the road ‘cos you’re asking to be hit up the bum or be attacked by in-car muggers. Here endeth the sermon. Polycarp said the walk was wonderful and (he) was beautifully laid by Panty Pockets…at least I think that’s what he said, but it seems unlikely to me. Next Weeks’ Hash will be hosted by Rock Climber and Shafted at the Arizona Girl on Kimweri Avenue. There will be free cocktails as well as a Kiddies Corner for Gary Glitter. Why is it that Gary Glitter always gets preferential treatment on the Hash? Ah yes, I’ve remembered now.
The GM waxed lyrical about the alcoholically impregnated tampons that Tanzania Breweries are launching. Are these the same as Alcopops? You pop one in and next minute you are on the table singing “It’s raining men..” The GM says (and he should know) that men can also use them … but let’s not go there. Second Cumming, the Guest RA, is on the politically conscious wing of the Hash, so he called the Virgins ‘newcomers’ and asked them to say which Hasher they would like to take home with them. Just Scott (FSP: doggy style) opted to take home Kim, but I guess no-one had told him about Rule 2. Letitia from France (cue for a song) prefers the screwdriver (flat head or Philips?) Krystal likes it grasshopper style. And Hans knees and bumpsadaisy is into wheelbarrows. Returnees included Slappa, Gary Glitter, Loves that Shit, Polycarp, TakkaTrakker and Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Award of the Hashit was a close-run thing and after a Steward’s Inquiry there had to be a Drink-Off between Second Cumming and Head Gasket – which Second Cumming won, or lost, depending on your perspective. And the Circle ended with SLSC.
On On
BoB
Lord I’m coming home to you

Hash Trash 1508
2 July 2012
Venue: Santa’s Grotto
Hares: Second Cumming, Creamy Cum, Santa
GM: Cockroach
RA: Shaggy Haggis
Another fine run on the Peninsula with plenty of twists (where is Twist these days?) and turns, though a mite long. Bumtitty thought that it was “enjoyable” (sic). The Hash was celebrating the proud nation of Canada (two seasons – six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling), so there were plenty of Maple Leaf flags. Was it Horny who won the prize for the most fetchingly displayed flag? You know I rather think it was.
NWH is at the Coco Beach Recycling Centre and will be hosted by DumbAss.
Good to see Friar Tuck again. Shaggy’s missdemeanours this week included: Squirrel for forgetting Nutcracker’s birthday; Bananas in Pajamas for calling ‘false trail’ and then running on; plus a Virgin called Palo Alto for running while carrying a 50kg backpack, and doing press-ups at the checks. Swiss Army Wife was in there too I reckon, though Coke has washed the sin away from my notebook. Inappropriately addressed included the Mad Hatters, Santa, Second Cumming, Roo, Cockroach and Bananas in Pajamas. Returnees included Bumtitty, Friar Tuck, Ewe Shagger, Latecummer, and Bean Counter. There followed a shocking event of a deeper depravity that I have ever witnessed on the Dar es Salaam Hash (and that is saying something believe me). Two naked men with ice up their bums slurping maple syrup out of each others belly buttons. It was enough to make any decent Hasher feel queer (steady on, remember Rule 2, Ed). And incredibly it was the Hash’s butter wouldn’t melt between her thighs paramedic -the Cock Doctor no less – who put them up to it – though afterwards she tried to claim it was all in the interests of medical research. Moving on quickly now to more wholesome subjects, namely Virgins and their favourite sexual positions; the Virgins were mostly U.S. chicks from red-neck States, with left-side positions. Bananas in Pajamas went home with the big prize, for misleading Hashers yet again. Being a softie he got Creamy Cum to drink his beer Down Down from the toilet brush holder (the GM claims that it is a spare one that is kept specially for the purpose, but this is not what Easy Let told me after a few drinkies). And as in all the best Circles we ended with a rousing rendition of the Hash hymn ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’.
OnOn
BoB
An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible road crash, and all three were declared ‘dead on arrival’ at Muhimbili. When the only doctor not on strike went to look at the bodies the American suddenly woke up. The doctor asked him what had happened. The American said “When the three of us arrived at the pearly gates, St Peter came out, said that we were too young to die, and that we could have our lives back if we paid him 50 dollars each. So, I got out my wallet, paid him, and here I am.” “So what happened to the other guys?” said the doctor. “Last time I saw them” replied the American “the Scot was arguing over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for his government to pay for him.”