Hash Trash 1529
19 November 2012
Venue: Nevada Grill
Hares: Koochi Gucci, Shafted, Silent Stroker
GM: Cockroach
RA: Rock Climber
Starring: Mr Sh**hole
Dominatricks (ex Hash Harlot) would have loved this Hash because there was ample time for shopping. Wounded Knee picked out a rather tasteful pink (although later Candyman insisted it was cerise (Ed, I told you he was a pedant)) negligee that he thought would suit the GM. I thought his bum looked big in it, but he took it anyway (but left others to pay for it) and ran off. In honour of Koochi Gucci, whose penultimate Hash this was, we sang ‘She married an Italian, who was hung like a ….ing stallion.’ Talking of which, who should pop up like a bad penny but a svelte Mr S**thole, and he ran too - no skulking at the back with the dissolutes and knackered as of old. When asked what he thought of the Hash, he replied “‘Aaah, I don’t do thinking.” There was a lot of unseemly speculation about Shark Killer being late – whether she was ten minutes late, a week late, a month late, or late of this parish. She looked pretty healthy to me. Next Week’s Hash is the opening event of the Annual JockFest – there will be whisky, women, live music, singing, dancing, men behaving badly, watersports, and maybe a little running.
Mr Shi**ole was brought centre stage and made to wear the aforesaid pink (cerise) negligee. He looked a treat in it, and with the help of Roobidextrous’s sweaty socks, he filled it well. When asked which two hot bitches he would like to go home with he chose CandyBlower and Panty Pockets …..(I’m not saying anything, it would be more than my life’s worth, Ed). It was a busy night for Mr S*i*hole – he had a try-out for hashtronaut and wasn’t any better at it than his missus (the infamous Nasty Pasty) and was then conned into directing an impromptu production of ‘Running Bear (played by Roobidextrous) and Little White Dove (played by Shark-Killer)’. There was no screen kiss, but otherwise it was the usual crap. There were a whole (pun intended, Ed) bunch of Virgins, but most of them were gay boys from across the pond (what happened to General Petraeus’s policy of ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ ??) so were of no interest to all us God-fearing, straight, upright Hashers. Just Jacky, Imelda, Michaela, and Tara aroused a little more interest, but then the Circle got sidetracked into discussing the mechanics of Daisy Bum Chains.
Candidates for the highest honour of the Hash included Candyman for being the only Hasher to know the difference between pink and cerise, Inspector Gadget for taking a dump on the Hash, Roobidextrous for sitting on the Hash, Just Jeshua for running while iPadding, and Koochi Gucci for inverting Sparkle. Koochi came out on top. Another left-footer, Umbilical, was asked to perform the Last Rites for Koochi, and he got him right in the face with a full toilet-brush-load of Holy Water. There was only one thing left to do – and we did it.
On On
BoB

Hash 1528

Hares: Silent Stroker, Squirrel, Boxer in absentia. I reckon Boxer and Tiny Sausage might be having a fling – has anyone else noticed that they regularly disappear before the Circle ? “I’m off to the Hash tonight dear, won’t be back until at least 9…..”.

Bag of Bones, having handed over the Trash duties to me, was immediately called in to explain what he thought of the Run. God moves in mysterious ways….He said it was ‘in and out, roundabout, and crap’. Reminded me a bit of the Okey Cokey at the time, but it doesn’t seem so funny now. Shark Killer said that the walk was very nice, some parts were stinky but the timing was good. I really don’t need to add anything to that, do I ?

Not for the first time in his existence, the GM confused me. Coochie Goochie was brought into the Circle as he is hosting NWH. Although he isn’t apparently – Nuts for Love is. Except she can’t confirm this, because she wasn’t there (ménage a trios with Boxer and Tiny Sausage ?). So Just Chelsea will host. Or is it Coochie Goochie ? Or Nuts for Love ? See what I mean ?

We bade a sincere (first time that word has been used in the Hash Trash ?) farewell to Flatulence and Horny Goat, and Twitcher joined them for failing to provide T-shirts to mark their departure. Shark Killer, Just Chelsea (sounds like a posh clothing brand name, no ?), Easy Let and Just Lindsay (sounds like a…STOP IT – HASH TRASH ED) were then brought in as potential Adopters of Gary Glitter, and I have to report that none of them looked too thrilled at the prospect !

The GM then handed over to the RA, Shaggy Haggis (Mr. Haggis to you).

Outlaw, CandyMan, Just Jimmy (sounds like a….AAARGHHH , Flatulence (popular on his departure day) and Rock Climber were all called in for being forgetful. And I thought wives were there to remember the trivialities in life…(that’s a joke, Dear). Horny Goat and her bitch (Flatulence), Wounded Knee and Just Keith (I think I’ve flogged that one. The joke I mean, not Just Keith) were brought in for Miss Demeanours. HG was a lookalike for dog-lover Inspector Gadget (obviously), Just Keith washed the Hash Shit and Wounded Knee bribed the RA by paying 1/3rd of his entrance fee (if my Maths – with an ‘s’ for the Dum Dums) is holding up.

Flatulence and HG were then brought in for arriving early, an Just Jeshua (?) and Just Chelsea were brought in for being late. At some point, Jeshua announced that he couldn’t read Math (see what I did there ?), which left me even more bewildered that I normally am during the Circle.

Returnees were Flatulence, Gary Glitter and Just Obata (?); Flatty claimed to have been set up, GG couldn’t remember why he hasn’t been for a while, and I can’t remember why Just Obata hasn’t been for a while.

Departees were Flatulence, HG (see a trend developing ?), Hitler and Just Alexa. For the former two, WE WILL MISS THEM. For the latter two, Hitler was having his bug sprayed and Just Alexa was spraying the bug. Now there’s a euphemism if I have ever heard one.

Virgins were the splendidly-named Long Prong, Just Jeshua and Just Alexa. Respectively, they were invited by Wounded Knee / Just Keith, Just Chelsea and Shafted / Rock Climber; they hail from the UK, California (“dum dum dum dum dum dum….”) and RSA; and their FSPs are “Right Behind You” (‘you’ being Mr. Haggis), Doggy Style and No Preference.

Onto Hash Shit….nominees were Just Keith was washing the Hash Shit (shame on you…), Rock Climber, for not warning Just Keith not to wash the Hash Shit, GG for commandeering children, and Flatulence so that he can proudly present it to the Middlesboro’ Hash.

Flatulance won by a Country Mile, mostly through his own voting. I’ve done about 250 Hashes in Dar, and I would like to say that I have never seen a happier winner of the Hash Shit. Ever.

SLSC ensued and, rather than waiting until all the food has gone so that they can moan about it, Flatty and HG dined heartily at the front of the queue. And we will miss them dearly.

Hash Trash 1527
5 November 2012
Venue: Dar Yacht Club
Hares: Cockroach, Nurse Ratched
GM: Cockroach
RA: Rock Climber
This was the Dar HHH’s Halloween Hash (only five days late) but most Hashers had long since moved on and were now more interested in setting fire to something – or someone. Rock Climber continues to use his very considerable powers of intelligence (sic) to think up new verses for “And the Hares…..” This week’s effort was “She came from Glamorgan with a …… like a pipe organ.” Needs a bit more work Rock Climber – don’t give up your day job just yet. Panty Pockets complained that the Walking Hare was making it up as she went along (talk about the kettle calling the pot black) but otherwise it was the usual crap. Common Cock – a visiting hasher – got (deliberately ? ) lost – and found himself by sheer chance in a bar. Nuts4lurve told us that NWH will be hosted by Silent Stroker somewhere near the Wonder Welders scrapyard.
The last Hash from the Yacht Club ended with the tragic death of Head Gasket, so we all stood in silence and remembered the fun and laughter that this great guy brought to the Hash. It was good to see his kids again – they will always be welcome on the Dar Hash.
Rock Climber transformed himself into a mermaid for his RA slot, and very slimy he was too. But how do you have sex with a mermaid when you can’t get their legs apart? We had a pre-run of the US Presidential election – Tiny Sausage was a most unbelievable Obama, and CandyMan did a fine job of standing in for Mitt Dumney. No need for a vote. Virgins were thick on the ground, and included Richard from Zim who favours the Mussolini position (Koochi Gucci obliged us with the official version), Common-Cock-From-Colombo who likes hanging upside down from a substantial beam, and Just Lesley who said she would like to take home that lean but cute guy dressed as Gandalf, but would insist on being on top – not an unreasonable request I thought – I am sure it could be arranged. Still Can’t Get It Up Adam won an Oscar for Best Costume, and the Most Scary Brat award went to Kili’N’Dogo (where should you put those pesky apostrophes? CandyMan – you’re a bit of a pedant1 – can you help out here please?).
Contenders for the Hash’s Highest Award included HashDance, Just Jimmy, Common Cock, that virgin ‘English Git’, Rock Climber, and Just Keith (nominated twice – for leading Hashers astray and having his mobile on during the Hash Circle). After the vote for Just Keith there was no need to continue. The Circle ended, as it should, with the singing of that sublime anthem – ‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’.
On On
BoB
1Hashers not wholly conversant with the English language, and that includes a few Brits, not to mention Shaggy (though I just have) should note that a pedant is not the same as a pederast, or a paediatrician – you musn’t confuse CandyMan with Gary Glitter, though admittedly they are both a bit dodgy.

Run number 1526-ish...
Somewhere in Kinondoni
Hosts & Hares: NightRider and his advertising apprentice who in a joint venture also supplied the hash with flashy new hash t-shirts. Hash Heroes!!
Bouncer: Boxer

Guest GM Panty Pocket opened the anarchistic non-alcoholic circle by having Tiny sausages confessing to having enjoyed a good run for a hobbit and being very pleased we finished in daylight... Swiss army wife thought the walk was good.. All sounding a bit delirious. Obviously an undesired side-effect caused by lack of cold Kilis!!

Next week will be the Halloween Hash, delayed hashy style at an unknown location. It may or may not be hosted by 2nd cummin’ or someone looking just like him (eeewww!!).

The newly converted catholic guest RA handed out song sheets full of hymns about catholic left-handed alcoholic hashers while generously distributing down-downs to anybody not fitting into either category.

Virgins included ‘Obama’ being undercover with an FSP only known to Clinton, Mette from Denmark who’s boss made he come and also knows how to..., ‘Diana Ross’ from SA liking it upside-down, Erika from Minnesota being into dogs (cowdogs?) and finally Bill Clinton who wants to know: ‘how do YOU think I like it..?’

More obscure singing, returnees full of excuses, hashit lost in action.. LOST!!! So was the effort of the Beer Master - now is the time to ask, do we have a Beer Master? - Yes! And if you want to see for yourself he will be looking pretty in purple at NWH, as he won he the highest order of the hash without competition.

SLSC and on-on to food.

On on

HG

Hash Trash 1525

22 October 2012

Venue: Goat Land

Hares: Beeryani Babe and Boxer

GM: Cockroach

RA: Shaggy Haggis

The run started with a check point every 100 meters or so before a confused Boxer tried to phone for help finding the trail. Hashers all started ignoring these constant check points and no one stopped at the actual check points which meant many long distances between checks and lots of lost folks. However, Sir Lances A lot said that it was a good run, as in exercise, despite the poorly marked trail. He seems confused about the purpose of the Hash. The walk was described as pleasant but with no water. And Gary Glitter started a new category of Hashing: start running and end up walking which he says is just to get him closer to the ladies. NWH will be hosted in Kinondoni by Night Rider. Rock Climber was called in for being called out as a big pussy in the Daily News and Cucci Gucci will be leaving us sometime in the future to some undetermined location. Shaggy Haggis and Gary Glitter did something wrong and Sir Lances A lot and Swiss Army Wife were accused of sex on the Hash that may have included whips and chains.

Shaggy Haggis took over and told us that it would be a reverse hash with a left-handed drinking rule. He named Mr. Bombastic hash shit for stepping in dog shit before the run even started and then moved on to naming Just Cristin. This caused quite a bit of excitement because she works in condoms and circumcision and the men were quite riled up. Sonia, an unsuspecting virgin and our host’s younger sister, somehow ended up being part of the naming as well because she was so excited by some of Cristin’s potential names. And so, from now on, Just Cristin will be known as Foreskin (much to Sonia’s dismay as that was her favorite) and Just Sonia will be known as Snip it (although she may never come back).

Mr. Bean was invited into the circle to lead us in a rousing rendition of a song about bullocks in the dust and a lobster before the RA tried to out Jimmy Sabile lookalikes Inspector Gadget, Outlaw, Santa, Squirrel, and a visiting old guy. Turns out Inspector Gadget Sabile is the real deal and the rest are fakes. Returnees included Bum Titties who was making babies, Cock Doctor who was working on cocks, Outlaw who was in Ireland, Rock Climber who was macking Shafted’s mom in dumb dumb land, Mr. Bombastic who was somewhere else, and Santa who was shagging his elves for some reason. Virgins included Snip It, who was called into the circle many times before and yet still couldn’t understand when to drink, who came to us from Nairobi via London and thinks “when it comes to sex, everything goes!” – take a number boys... Stuart came to us from Canada after being invited by a strange man swinging a spear on Coco Beach.

Despite already naming a hash shit, we elected Gary Glitter for being his creepy self after very little competition from Beeryani Babe, Boxer, Sexy Lizard, and SlappA all for being some version or another of rug munchers. Gary Glitter was soaked by the now experienced Snip It before the circle started SLSC and we went on to eat a tasty meal.

On on,

SlappA & Shafted

Hash Trash 1524

15 October 2012

Venue: Twitcher’s Next

Hares: Twitcher and some sidekicks

GM/RA: Cockroach

Lots of check points on this run which Centre Fold said was long and windy (she had the misfortunate of running behind a large group of male Hashers). Sexy Lizard was a bit confused but admitted that the walk was too short. NWH will be hosted by Biryani Babe near the Green (map forthcoming) where we may be reenacting the goat races ourselves. Gary Glitter is quite upset that he’s lost his monopoly on child molesting but to ease the rest of our concerns with the rise in incidents, policeman Cockroach decided to help Kilidogo stand out with some reflecting vests (although his singing seems to help him stand out enough). Second Coming and Can’t Get it up Adam were awarded 50 run tees and we all wondered again about who’s counting the runs. Ewe Shagger lost his hat and memory again but regained it in time for Nuts$Lurve and Boogie Boobs to be brought in for trafficking tickets and themselves. Policeman Cockroach reminded us of all the expat cars being broken into but pointed out that it was Knight Rider, Boxer, and Tiny Sausage who had parked inside to the gate (and slowed down the beer delivery to the rest of us!). Returnees were Roobidextrous who was taking the plunge, Mr. Bean who getting fat, Second Coming who was rocking us, Shafted who was climbing rock in dumb-dumb land, and Centrefold who was moist in Sweden. There were a few departees but the circle didn’t mind letting them go. There were two virgins from the dumb-dumb nation – a man who likes reverse cowgirl (no surprise here) and to use his iPod on the run and a woman who likes it doggy style. Hash shit nominees were Hash Dance (represented by look-a-like Boogie Boobs) for complaining too much, Roobidextrous for not paying and getting a checkpoint right for the first time, and Nuts$Lurve for not showing up to her own party. It ended in a draw between Roobidextrous and Nuts$Lurve and we quickly moved onto to SLSC and food.

On on,

SlappA & Shafted

Hash Trash 1523
8 October 2012
Venue: Inspector Gadget’s Garret
Hares: Inspector Gadget, Fully Fitted, Panty Pockets
GM: Cockroach
RA: Shaggy Haggis
Another long trail but very short-cuttable. Magic Finger said it was ‘enormous and went on forever’ and had to be reminded that she had been asked what she thought about the walk. Fully Fitted is leaving us for about the fifth time and was given a bespoke T-shirt to remember us by. When he took off his old T-shirt he was found to be wearing an undershirt – running in that heat with two shirts on!! Jeez. The Religious Advisor appeared in the guise of the broken-legged Bananas in Pajamas but sadly did a poor job of emulating Bananas’s’s’s dignified reticence. There was a long dreary trail of Leavers (Fully Fitted, Undertaker, Just Lindsay) Miss Demeanours (Inspector Gadget, Can’t Get it Up Adam, Gary Glitter)and Returnees (Undertaker, Nuts4Lurve, Quiet Night In With The Wife, Coochy Gucci, Magic Finger, Just Georgina, Still Can’t Get it Up Adam , Stainless, and Pig Iron). Grease My Shaft was accused of carrying a towel in order to reserve a sun lounger for himself. There was a big bunch of Virgins, but for the most part their FSPs were anodyne (you have never heard of that one have you?). Andy told us that his FSP was the ‘wheelbarrow’ but when the RA said he knew that one, somebody pointed out that as Andy was from Yorkshire he probably meant doing it in a wheelbarrow. A motley collection of dregs, dissolutes and defectives was assembled to make some semblance of competition for the Hashit, and the honour went to Just Shaun for making inappropriate advances to Nuts$Lurve (she should be so lucky). And just when I was about to pass out from hunger we got to SLSC.
On On
BoB

RUN No : 1521
DATE  : Mon 1 October
VENUE : Hitler’s Bunker
HARES : Hotler, SirLanceAslut, NurseHatchet
GM : RockCoach
RA : ShaggyHaggis
A good sized pack wandered around the northern peninsula confused by the work of a
subversive paper layer who altered the hare’s immaculate trail (so they said, but we
have history to prove the relationship between hares and fibs). The advertised six plus
kilometres was over in a flash and the search was on for space amongst the vehicles for
a circle. Hitler’s lawn will recover in short order, no doubt.
On close questioning by GM CockRoach, Twit.C.Her described the run as ‘very misleading’
and ‘far too long’ (if you ignore the usual innuendo’s about length, the circle’s
concensus was ‘one out of two ain’t bad’). HotSafari had a ‘cool’ walk, so perhaps
Stiffy was walking with some other harriette, or she had a personal shade cloud, or it
was all just so hip, who knows.
NastyPasty offered to host NWH at her place but the GM noted that runfees would
increase dramatically to cover the airfares to Cornwall and in a rare show of decisive
leadership announced a veto. NWH TBA. Note that N4L has emailed you asking for offers
to extend the hareline, responses to her or the GM please.
Sinners aplenty as usual, included WetDream, Twither and TakkaTracker, Shiggy and some
Desperate blonde, FlatFace ... sorry ... Flatulence, and FTW (do it yourself hashname)
who was introduced without success to the Hashtranautics machine.
RA SorryMcHoggit offloaded a miscellany of leftovers from the beach, threatened with
castigation the odd latecomer (GaryGlitter and Banzai were worried, but AiAiAiaaa and
TakkaSmacker looked smug) only to glide into a Ryder Cup re-enactment for reasons best
known to few, but which led to visitor Shafted’s typical Aussie thought process calling
‘coming from behind’ as a note.
Returnees Stiffy, HotSafari, Deepak, FTW, SlumdogBillionaire and Chelsea were wondering
why, but departees NastyTastey, FTW (quick learner), Desperate and ShorryMcShagger were
looking jubilant.
Talking of sorry bunches, the virgins - twelve of them - were led through their queries
by MrMcShaggy in a very unusual display of circumspect behaviour. The best response was
from Danish Thomas who’s fsp he likened to himself being a Scania truck amongst a
traffic jam of willing Volvos, but Shagg’s circumspection was explained when you
realised that he was fated to ask his new found Mother-in-Law her favourite sexual
position. Well played Mr RA, considerable aplomb shown in the face of Destiny (first
nomination as suitable nom de hash for Desperate’s mater ??) but addressing her as
‘Your Ladyship’ and ‘young lady’ did possibly lose you a point or two with the
bachelors.
BeeperTits and InspGadget were added to the circle for a rendering of Warm Safari - the
song, closely followed by a line up of whitehaired Bruce Willis lookalikes, for obscure
but no doubt logical reasons.
HashShit lal BeeperTits (aka NightRider) was basically shouldered away by a thrusting
WetDream obviously totally intent on taking the honour for himself, although swingers
WoundedKnee and NurseRatchet were added to the mix for the semblance of democracy.
WetScream was victorious, aided the V’s in SLSC and led on to the feast.
‘Nuff ? Got the idea ? OK. See ya nex tweek.
SquireL

Hash Trash 1521
24 September 2012
Venue: Mosquito Heaven
Hares: Banzai, Panty Pockets
GM: Cockroach
Guest RA: Sir LanceseSlot aided ? by Outlaw
Another great Hash. Good, fast, smelly run; Circle kicked off promptly, was funny and didn’t drag on and on; the food was tasty and plentiful; there was plenty of beer, softies and Saki, and; a whole range of mozzie repellents and condoms were available for those who needed protection (But is there any evidence that wearing a condom prevents you getting bitten? Ed). There were even two different ranges of Hash clothing and accessories on sale. Is it too much to hope that the Dar Hash is finally back on track?
Next weeks Hash is at Hitler’s Bunker. I think it is somewhere near the Chancellery building, but a map will be sent out – or not. Boxer and Brainless were in trouble for being SCB’s, as were the Inappropriately Dressed, who included the CrapperO’Napper, Just Scott, Sparkle, KilinDogo, and loads of others. Returnees included the world renowned Nasty Pasty, EweShagger, Just Samira, Quiet Night in with the Wife, Fully Fitted, Nite Rider, Tiny Sausage, DukaWallah, and loads of others. Brainless and Nasty Pasty were invited to take the Hashtronaut test and failed spectacularly – it was a night when more beer went on the ground than down the throats of Hashers. Due respect was given to our VIPs (Very Important Pissers?) Brainless from the Nairobbery Hash, and Shafted (aka Shaft Ed) an ex-GM of the Ballarat Hash. And when one GM drinks, all………. The Deputy Guest Religious Advisor, Outlaw, rose to the task of interrogating the sole Virgin (Just Jamilla) – when asked, in a very fatherly way about her FSP, she shouted WOW (woman on woman?) but then whispered something in his ear – which being the gentleman he is, he refused to divulge. The Hashit went to Nite Rider, who made Just Jamilla come, but didn’t want anyone to know how. And the Circle ended with SLSC.
On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1520
17 September 2012
Venue: Arizona Grill
Hares: Cockroach, Panty Pockets
GM: Cockroach
Guest RA: Gary Glitter
What a cracking Hash! Boxer thought so too. Ok, so the Bride had seen it all before, but unlike her Groom it was a reasonable length (eek, did I just write that), we got back before dark, the Circle moved at a brisk pace, and the food was great. What more can I say.
On On
BoB
Well alright if you insist. Sir Lanceseslut entertained us with a new lot of dirty verses for ‘And the Hares….’ NWH will be hosted by Banzai in Mosquito Heaven – aka Upanga. The doyen of the Tanzanian brewing industry took umbrage at DumbAss drinking FANTA. Just Lyndsey from Manhattan likes the missionary position, which is a nice change from all those Cowgirl perversions that Americans are so fond of. Just Jim from Kirkinpilloch likes it upside down. And Just Rob, who knocks about with The Cock Doctor, likes it doggy style – he must be as happy as a pig in shit. Sad to report that John has had to have his legs amputated below the knee following a wild night out in Q Bar? but he is remarkably stoical about it. Stand-in Brides Aieeeeee and Nurse Ratched chose Inspector Gadget and John as their Grooms. Harriettes - who would you rather spend your wedding night with: – John or Inspector Gadget? – No, don’t answer that. As usual the serious business of finding a Hasher worthy of the Hashit degenerated into a right farrago of baseless accusations and counter-accusations, but for the record: Second Cumming was nominated for being Second Cumming, Inspector Gadget had smeared a fellow Hasher, Horny Goat had either had an ‘accident’ or was wearing ‘wet look’ shorts, and Strap On had been seen stretching her pelvic floor after the run. There was voting, spoiled votes, re-counts, appeals to a higher authority, but Strap On came through it all with her wig held high. And, as from time immemoral, the Circle ended with the singing of Swing Low Sweet Chariot. Hallelujah.