HASH TRASH
Run No.1373 3 May 2010
Venue: CampBed’s tent
Hares: Just Chris, Spits n Swallows
Grand Master: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: Candyman

Some of the returning runners were heard to mutter darkly about it not being a hash trail - could it perchance have been set by someone who has never run a Hash? The walk was pedestrian, but there was nothing to mutter about, and the girl talk wasn’t the least bit titillating. And to think that I could’ve stayed at home and watched the History Channel. It is hard to get used to having a trailmaster that knows where next week’s hash is, but I suppose we’ll just have to put up with it. There’ll be a going-away party for FIN at the Marine House starting 20.00 hrs and finishing 02.00 hours precisely. That well-known pervert Dominatrix wants us all to f*** up Ali Hassan Mwinyi even more than it is already f****d up, just so that she can have an excuse to skive off work. When has she needed an excuse? Bunny says there is a Kili Half Marathon on the 29th of some month in Dar (sic) and it is as long as you want to make a half marathon (sic). In case you were asking, FIN’s going away party is on the 14th May (I think). Candyblower was trailing something on the 9th May - probably another St George’s Society Orgy - but she’ll tell you if you ask nicely. Easy Let was wittering on about a thespian thingy called “Bouncers” at the Little Theatre from the 6th - 8th & 13th - 15th of some month. If you have signed up for the Bagomoyo Relay you must pay the outstanding balance at the next Hash or risk being savaged by a squirrel.

For reasons which thankfully escaped me the Circle decided to call Candyman “Perkle,” though “Prickle” would have suited him better. He had thrown a tantrum before coming to the Hash, and Candyblower had caught it full in the face, but - all credit to her - she got him back on track, and he strutted his stuff in his usual interminable (inimitable, surely? Ed.) way. Late arrivals included Boogie Boobs, Wet Dream (BB was late coming apparently - nothing new there then) Easy Let, Castrato and Tiny Sausage. The RA was tickled pink that one of those Marine chappies had take the On In sign literally and run into someone’s garden. Love That Shit was wearing g*d-awful ghastly shorts and this led on to matters haberdashery - with the RA consenting to Takkatrakka’s fervent wish to become Hash Haberdasher - and Easylet, Close Encounters, Dominatrix, and Pleasure Centre being made to parade their customised T-shirts - a tuck here, a push up there, a bit of discreet padding, a scoop neckline - but it’s all totally wasted on male hashers - most of whom are totally wasted already. The all-important “humiliating the Virgin” ritual was interrupted by the Abuja Song, but she (Valery) couldn’t be coaxed into revealing her FSP anyway. CampBed and Spits are going to Scotland to celebrate their 10th Wedding Anniversary, but, don’t fash yerselves, they know to take hot water bottles. Only Freckles saw fit to honour the Dutch Queen’s birthday - shame on you Hashers, what has the Dutch Queen ever done to you? One of those Marine chappies, heretofore known as Just Chris, is from henceforth to be known as POP TART. And his soulmate (the Pentagon’s policy is: don’t ask, don’t tell) heretofore known as Just Rio, will be known as ARSE LIQUOR. The Hashit went to Love That Shit for his gruesome shorts.

By the time the Circle ended I had almost lost the will to live. SLSC never seemed so sweet. What d’ye mean I didn’t say where next week’s hash is? I’m telling you now that it’s at Elephant Balls’s mudsplash. I have had enough of writing this crap every week. Mark my words, someone is going to get volunteered.

On On
BoB