Monday 7 May 2007
Run: 1198
Venue: Holiday Inn Hotel garden
Hosts and hares: Beeper Tits and Head Gasket

Well here we go again. Are you sure you want to read rubbish about people with no life doing stupid things for no good reason ? OK if you insist, all your own fault.

For the uninitiated the first test was to find the pack milling about on the back lawn of the hotel. Some askance looks were noted from affluent punters as lost hashers drifted nonchalantly (how the hell do you spell that) through the public rooms. The sweaty drunken return was avoided by most either finding the back door or the route through the undergrowth to the rear car park.

Head Gasket had laid a paper and chalk arrow trail with assistance from the miniature Gaskets, which led the runners on a nice clover leaf around the golf course, before setting us into town for a beer stop in the salubrious fish market. The SECOND beer stop (is he running for president?) was set up back along Ocean Road and became a de facto end to the run, whilst the runnnnners waited for the walkers to filter along. It was too dark to run in anyway, and thats my excuse, so what was yours?

Manicured lawns, linen table cloths (even for Late Cummers down down dispensary) and security staff checking none of those nasty wealthy punters stole OUR food. Good set up - simply what we deserve and should be used to by now.

Announcements were mercifully brief - ‘lost’ valuables from Hash Cash Park’n’Rides registration table were offered for redemption or sale; if you haven’t entered your Bagamoyo relay team by now then start training for next year, or better yet, join one of the other teams for this year - I believe the odd spot may still be available !!; the BagRelay sub committee will meet on Thurs 10 May at Boogie Boobs house (6pm). Enough.

Much more interesting - Mr Shithol’ and Nasty Pasty have bravely reconnoitred the rubber plantations of Zanzibar and propose to set a trail on the weekend of 9th and 10th June. Cost per head will be about Tsh220,000 inclusive of flights, transfers, full board, and two runs - gasp. But initial interest from the circle seemed positive, so they will refine the details and further info to be forthcoming at a later run.

And the hares, and the hares..... Head Gasket and Beeper Tits were invited to partake of a well deserved libation in recognition of their grand efforts. CandyMan was called upon to precis the run, as he has the benefit of about ten years experience hashing in Dar. ‘Five kilometres my arse’ was the eloquent and thought provoking result. Frozen Assets fronts up at the circle so infrequently that she was totally and most uncharacteristically lost for words when called upon to describe the walks intricasies.

TrailMaster Boxer has kept his receding hareline in place and cajoled Knight Rider into hosting the next Monday run at his abode in Mikocheni.

GM Wet Dream decided we needed entertainment by this time and called upon South African gentlemen to step forward (to calls of ‘oxymoronic’ and ‘no such thing’). He then asked for explanation of why robbers in SA had stripped a bicyclist naked and superglued him to his bike seat. Many comments were made but no satisfactory answer was heard and therefore down downs administered.

RA for the evening (and many past in the absence of Bothways.. again) was our very own Mr S. Straight into the guts of the matter and the narrow but true path to hashing heaven, he expounded upon the rules : No 1 = no rules; No 2 = ignore rule no.1; No 3 = no sex; No 4 = no poofters; or some such drivel. Inevitably there is one, and this week it was Pinochio - he wanted sex allowed - or was it poofters - no it was sex, because Chicken Shit got involved. A good ruse to get the circle animated (bestiality’s allowed isn’t it).
In a cunning advert for the sale of his household goods, MrS mentioned that he and Nasty Pasty were selling their household goods .... at the Little Theatre table sale on Sunday, when along came Park’n’Ride in need of a knickknack to entice certain people to stay for breakfast. A menage a trois, and open tender on Ebay for Parky’s Zanzibar run nights, were skilfully worked into the patter by MrS, despite some confusion in the ranks. There was also more information than strictly necessary on the linkage between offspring and Zanzibar runs, but you can’t expect to hear all the secrets if you don’t front up at the circle

Three virgins were introduced very politely by the RA, ‘welcomed’ for a down down by Bombastic, and Warm Safari was sung for them in explanation of the down down ritual. (NB CandyMan was heard to comment that the Safari has improved over the years and is even possibly palatable now).

Four visitors : Captains Cabin and Captain Skidmark from Dubai; Bunny from Kent; and Boxers most gracious ‘Princess’ from New York, were also welcomed to the circle, before two sets of new boots were filled for the owners drinking pleasure.

The penultimate spotlight fell on Pinochio as the reigning Hash Shit, but he apparently wished to be dethroned and was quick to nominate Henrik for allegedly sorely injuring a comely young lady. Park’n’Ride counterproposed the two hares for failure to complete the run before darkness fell. Democracy was shown to be alive and well and ‘Henrik the virgin abuser’ won the right to be first at the food, but in a fast talking deal he somehow sold the option to Frozen Assets who proceeded to the fodder in toilet seat with spandex tights as a fashionable neckscarf ?? (Did I hear a ‘What no PVC miniskirt’). Will either of them actually turn up next week ?? And what about the skirt??

The aroma of hot food permeated the garden as the GM led the hash hymn with virgins and visitors front and centre.

On On food, and didn’t the Holiday Inn do a great spread - multiple salads, roast potatoes, savory rice, fish bitings, kebabs of succulent soft beef, boorworst in bbq sauce, plus more pickles and condiments than you could use, and more came out as the first hopper loads disappeared. I couldn’t believe that was a menu within our budget, and am reliably informed that it was not - so big thanks to the Holiday Inn for the sponsorship from many happy hasher stomachs.

Don’t miss out next week when Knight Rider will undoubtedly maintain his reputation as a front running bastard and set a trail to test the rest. Luckily the GM is a renowned short cutter in the Mikocheni area so you can simply stay with the GM if you feel less energetic, therefore no excuses accepted - be there.

ON ON

Squire L
Scribe to THE HASH