Hash Trash 1426 – the Candies at Valhalla
14 March 2011

Hares: Cockroach, Candyman, DominatrixGM: CockroachRA: Candyman
Scribe: Shark Killer

Apparently there was deliberate confusion at checks, Jesus got every single check wrong and Bonzai followed him like a good disciple. Nuts for Love offered to give anyone who wanted a finger, and then there was something about finger lickin’ good. When Bonka-donk was given a chance to speak, she began a detailed description starting at 300BC ending, finally, with “the walk was unexceptional”. NWH – St. Patrick Day Hash at Irish Pub, wear green or leprechaun outfits Announcements:
St Patrick Day band playing at Holiday Inn on Wednesday, entrance TShs. 5,000, proceeds go to charity (yesterday, it was very good)
AGPU April Fools hash – 2nd and 3rd April at Golding beach house, tents $10 each, kids free, adults TShs. 10,000
Hondo hondo Easter Hash
2012 migration hash – ship to Mombasa
Hash Kikoys for TShs. 15,000

Misdemeanors: Mr. Bombastic who doesn’t know his right from left, and Just Lilian who joined walk from run.

Short cutters: Candyman, Shark Killer, Bonzai, Head Gasket, Jesus, Finnish on top

Late Comers: Head Gasket, Harry who was only interested in the food

Inappropriately dressed: Shark Killer (skirt), Harry (well dressed), Caligula (no hash shirt), Thea

Forgetful bastards: Undertaker

Departees: Caligula

Returnees: Enema Queen (interesting shoes)

Visitors:
Harry – who picked Head Gasket, Striker Light, Thea and Herby the Love Bug as three Harriets to drink with, so he can neither count nor tell Harriets from Henris.

Virgins: Thea from SA who comes by herself via internet and likes chandeliers.

Hashit:
Mr. Bombastic for running wrong way out the gate
Steve (AHWTK) for wearing pink
Jesus (who looks less indecent with hashit gear than without) for liking the kinky gear
Head Gasket for going to Thailand

The dishonour (in this week’s case) was given to Head Gasket to show the hashers’ disapproval

Naming:
Steve – Pink Pussy

On on
Shark Killer

Hash Trash 1425 – at the Dance Floor

Hares: Nuts for Love, Foxy Pussy, Castrato, Hash Dance, Shark Killer

GM: Cockroach

RA: Candyman

Scribe: Shark Killer

Pathetic description for a long run with few check points that all the women except Twitcher refused to check out – No beer at beer stop (and Jesus didn’t turn the water to wine), long walk, no tarmac

Trail master went on about secrecy of NWH – he still thinks we don’t realise it means he knows squat.

Hashee birthday – Candyblower, Spits and Swallows

Announcements:

Hondo hondo Easter Hash

Africa Hash 6-8 May Addis – pay before end of March or price goes up, Ethiopian Airlines is giving a 25% discount

Forgetful Bastards: Candyblower, Shark Killer, Linus (ASWTK)

Late Comers: Fully Fitted (we were surprised given he’s usually quite eager), Elephant Balls, Dominique, Head Gasket, Finnish on Top

Departees:

Swinging Spear, Gary Glitter, Frozen Asset

Returnees:

Finnish on Top, Frozen Asset, Swinging Spear, Spare, Gary Glitter (who almost died), Elephant Balls, Candyman and Candyblower (whose husband made her stay home and/but not come…?)

Virgins and Visitors:

John (AHWTK) was not asked any of the customary questions because Candyman claimed he knew the answers as he’s his father in law.

Sten from Sweden who came with Pinocchio and likes the Flying Dutchmen. Candyman (who was accused of being gay by Boring) did not care to know his FSP – or so he claimed, repeatedly.

Lilian from Australia who came with Jesus and likes it on the GM (she’s obviously trying to make her way around the group – fortunately Easylet was not around to kick her butt).

Stephano from Italy who came with Castrato and likes some variation of something.

Michelle from Canada who came with Hash Dance and wont tell us her FSP because she was raised as a good catholic girl, we figured missionary.

Toby from Texas who came with the Devil and likes donkey punch?

Bata from SA who came with Frozen Asset and wont reveal her FSP unless we put a diamond ring on her finger.

Inappropriately dressed:

Gary glitter, Brian, Stephano, Dominique, Caligula, Jesus

Naming:

John – Sugar Daddy

Linus – Bonka-Donk

Hashit:

Swinging Spear for thinking he’s spare – twice (maybe he is)

Dominique for coming late

Nuts for Love for no beer at stop

Frozen Asset for getting on and off a tuk tuk

Jesus for not turning water to wine

Stephano for being well dressed

Shark Killer for not being last even though she was back hare

The honour was given to Jesus because we all love him so.

On on

Shark Killer

Run No. 1424 28 FEB 2011
Venue: Yatch Club
Hares: Umbilical, Shark-Killer, Close Encounters
Grandmaster: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: Shaggy Haggis

Shark-Killer said there would be 5 beer stops and she didn’t know how long it was - the hash that is. Turns out she had her knickers in a twist and it was actually 5 km long and she didn’t know how many beer stops there would be. We were only a couple of clicks in when Horny exclaimed “I can’t get my leg over!” - she may have been referring to the wall across our path, but you can never be sure with that one. Then someone up front - Nutsy maybe - shouted “too many pricks on this run” - she may have been referring to the horny bushes we were crawling through, but you can ........

The GM said NWH is going to be a superlatively stupendous spectacular the likes of which you have never seen before - if he can pull it off. Watch for an email - and start saving now. Good to be in the presence once again of Jesus, not to mention, but I will anyway, Fricken! (aka Spits n Swallows) and The Quiet American (aka CampBed). True to form, Spits was hardly ever out of the Circle, and CampBed stayed in deep cover. Spits was rolling her arse like never before - (Ed. - let’s try that again shall we) Spits was rolling her rrr’s like never before, presumably in tribute to Shaggy. The GM was still all fired up about England’s win over France, so he demanded the triple for the losers - F*** Off representing the French, Shaggy the Italians, and Shark-Killer the Scots - she’s the only hasher able to take the triple standing up. Notable FRB was Nuts$Lurve, who had been running with a rather fetching bum flap, which she later cleverly converted into a cute pair of shorts. Virgins were thin on the ground, and not much thicker standing up, but there was a semi-virgin called Inflation who was made to come by Jesus - ipso facto his FSP was Jesus. Thereafter Flatulence’s Speedos took centre stage - he had donated them to the Hashit regalia - Boring had done god knows what in them all week - now Flatters wanted them back, but Horny said “over her dead body.’ Shaggy, always ready to defuse a tricky situation, washed the Speedos in a mug of beer, and made Flatulence wear them on his head while drinking the beer. I tell you, this is one Wacky Hash! There was a wealth of worthy contenders for Hashit, but it went instead to Banzai - for short-cutting. Pole Sana. And the Circle ended, only an hour after most Hashers wanted it to, with the singing of SLSC.

On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1423 – at Pleasure Centre’s abode

Hares: Pleasure Centre, Castrato, Just Jenifer

GM: Cockroach

RA: Shaggy Haggis

Scribe: Shark Killer

Pinocchio said something that sounded like bullshit to describe the run and his nose did get longer. Campbed was very self involved and went on about his jetlag when asked to describe the walk. It was a beach theme and we did turn a few heads. There was a terrible incident that occurred with one of the red beer coolers, come to NWH to find out more.

NWH will be hosted by Shark Killer and Umbilical at the Yacht Club.

Announcements:

Friday at Holiday Inn starting 4.30pm a Banker Wanker competition, there will be a hash team so drinkers, contact Shaggy (who is not a banker…)

Forgetful Bastards: Best Dad (Flatulence – his kids have learned the art of sarcasm), Shaggy, Shark Killer, Wet Dream

It was Pleasure Centre’s last hash in Dar Es Salaam for a while, she and pleasure pooch got lovely tshirts that fit them both perfectly.

Lots of hashers came in beach attire, such as Wet Dream who put on Boogie Boob’s bikini bottoms which she did not appreciate and asked him to get them off, (something she doesn’t say to him often) so he wore his daughter’s bikini bottoms. Thankfully there were shorts there as well, which is more than what could be said about Flatulence who wore tiny black Speedos, and then put on a plastic bag over them so we could see “it” better. It did turn Shaggy on and he lost control and put his hands on it. As they say, it is about the bush, not the trunk. Then he gave us an even better view after. Or worse.

Departees:

Brazilian Lawn, Pleasure Centre, Nuts for Love’s family, Swinging Spear

Returnees:

Just Jenifer, Caligula, Spits n Swallows, Campbed, Nurse Ratchet, Pinocchio, Knight Rider, Get Me Off

Misdemeanors:

GM was late and Undertaker got lost, map was wrong and Domintrix was called on for it

Short Cutting Bastards: Flatulence, Campbed, Spits, Wounded Knee, Castrato, Squirrel

Virgins and Visitors:

Big Foot from Johannesburg who came with Head Gasket and FSP – on squash court

Samine and Dominique from Canada who came with Shark Killer, Samine likes it on top and Dominique likes it in an ice rink after the hockey game – so you know where to be and when

Brian from USA who comes with his wife and likes her to be on top, she did not confirm the position so he probably slept on the couch that night

Unk from Netherlands who comes with Swinging Spear and says she cannot choose but there needs to be a bed

Hashit:

Boring for thinking CandyMan is gay

Bonzai for doing Kiboko in private in public

Wet Dream for getting Pleasure Pooch wet (nominated by Boring who doesn’t know to quit digging when in a hole)

Flatulence for showing his willy

Desperate house wives (all the women) for giving Flatulence too much attention

The honour was given to Boring for lack of a better option given Flatulence will not be there on NWH.

On on

Shark Killer

HASH TRASH
Run No. 1422 The Red Dress Run
Venue: Nelly’s compound
Hares: Cockroach, Hashdance
Grandmaster: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: Undertaker

Never have so many hashers been seen wearing lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, and while waiting for the off they chatted happily amongst themselves about thong rash, pelvic sag, and how to get a really smooth bikini line (Head Gasket swears by Wax Away).

It was too hot and humid to run, even without knickers on, and after several clicks the Hare showed pity on us and offered us a short-cut home. But there is always some scunner isn’t there who chirps up that he is ready to go the distance. And so we did - fish-hooks ‘n all. The Best-Dressed Sweaty Couple Award should have gone to Flatulence and Hornigoat.

NWH is at Pleasure Pooch’s kennel. It will be her leaving Hash, so give her a good send-off by bringing plenty of Chum. Gary Glitter wants there to be some pole dancing. Who is turned on by a bitch pole dancing? Gary Glitter apparently. The Bagomoyo Run will be on 21st May - possibly. The AGPU will be a weekend thrash 1/2/3 April at the American Embassy beach cottage (make sure you take some i/d). Brainless from the Nairobbery Hash told us of the Great Hash Migration which will be in Kenya 18-21st May 2012. Best to book your place now because the price doubles every week until the great event. Undertaker - the Guest RA - enticed the Virgins into the open, including San Kee Oh, Hu Flung Dat, Wannabe, Outrigger, and Andreas whose FSP takes about 3 hours (if youre flexible), and requires a whole tub of Viagra. Sounds like, sounds like...... Outrigger presented the GM with Maputo Hash T-shirts - he was touched (but then he always has been, Ed). Centrefold’s significant other Michael (iykwim) was named Pippa, which means something in Swedish. The Hashit went to Squirrel for being far too keen on the less healthy side of the Hash’s activities. And, as in time immemoral, the Circle ended with Swing Low Sweet Chariot.

On On
BoB

HASH TRASH
Run No. 1421
Venue: Stonetown, Zanzibar
Hares: Swinging Spear, BagOBones, PantyPockets
Grandmaster: Wet Dream
Religious Advisor: My Little Pony

The first-ever (probably) Hash in Stonetown was a great success, especially for those interested in the history and culture (sic) of the place. One who wasn’t was Takkatrakka who led the run at a fine pace, with a keen eye for the tiny pink Haitches. The beer stop was at Spears’s love-nest, up some vertiginous stairs - but with a fine view out over the roof-tops. Can’t remember much about the Circle except that Saddlesore suddenly disappeared and the only traces of her that remained were some little red chunks in a creamy sauce - and Dominatrix was guilty of flagrant beer abuse (claimed to be conserving her sobriety so as to better weather the night’s excesses). Boring was a contender for the Hashit on account of being inappropriately dressed (as always) but Hashers expressed an overwhelming desire to see the honour go to Dominatrix. And so it came to pass. Special mention for harriette, Close Encounters, who was on the island, failed to make it to the Hash, saw only one act at the music festival, and was so shopped out by Sunday she had to borrow money to get to the airport for her flight back to Dar.

On On
BoB

HASH TRASH
Run No. 1420
Venue: Twitcher’s Nest
Hares: Twitcher, SharkKiller, Wet Dream
Grandmaster: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: Undertaker

Finish on Top said the run was ‘funny’ (sic) and Wonderlust reckoned the walk was ‘twisty’. Perhaps we should switch to scoring Hashes out of ten. I reckon the run was a 7.7. Any road, the next Hash is in Stonetown on Saturday afternoon - meet at the Big Tree at 2.45. Mentioning no names (where is Pleasure Centre these days?) but please dress conservatively (smart casual, national dress is ok, but no kilts) so as not to offend the sensibilities of any Stonetownians who are not having a well-earned siesta. The next Hash after that - on Monday - is when you can / must wear your RED dress. The GM, amused by a press report that Malawi is banning farting, called on Flatulence to choose two other windy Hashers to partake of Down-Downs. For reasons known only to him he chose Foxy Pussy and SharkKiller. The Guest RA - Undertaker - had his work cut out humiliating a whole load of Virgins which Castrato had had shipped across the pond - probably cyberwarriors. Truly amazing that there was not a reverse cowgirl amongst them - instead we had rabbit style (which Shaggy reckons is doggy style but faster), donkey (Wet Dream trying to surreptiously Google this on his Blackberry) and golden shower. As for their names, well I remember there was an Yvonne - as in “Yvonne yer knickers yer mother’s coming” but just then Sparkle spilt some Fanta on my notebook and everything has gone a bit blurry. Departees / returnees included Legless (really), Wonderlust, BagOBones and Squirrel. Somebodybody had been telling tales about BagOBones enjoying himself away from the Hash, so he was told to collect two Virgins and take the Triple - which he did (it’s the nearest to a threesome that he’ll ever get - Ed.). Awarding the Hashit was the usual circumlocutory farrago. How is it that the GM was previously awarded the Hashit ? - this would never have happened under the Wet Dream regime. Any road, the Hashit went to Shaggy for being a greedy pig. And the Circle ended, not a moment too soon, with SLSC.

On On
BoB

Hash Trash 1419 - at Fully Fitted’s manor

31 Jan 2011

Hares: Taka Tracker, Legless, Fully Fitted, Panty Pockets

GM: Cockroach

RA: Candy Man

Scribe: Shark Killer

Its getting hotter, runs are getting shorter, speeches (and circle) are getting longer.

NWH will be at Twitcher’s abode although the trail master went on about it being a secret, adventurous location. We know that usually means he has no idea. They aren’t called the Mismanagement for nothing.

Announcements:

Zanzibar Hash on 13th Feb – too late to book now, but try your luck anyway

There was a lot of sex on this hash with men and women giving each other lap dances, pricks being termed “small” (Caligula’s) – Flatulence said this. We’re not surprised he knows. We had some sandwiches. Some twosomes. Some groupies. Panty Pockets tried to remove Candy Man’s shorts right in front of Candy Blower and he stopped her for fear of being in too much trouble. We also had some girl on girl (Boogie Boobs and Horny Goat) and some dude on dude (Flatulence and Shaggy of course) action.

Inappropriately Dressed:

Taka Tracker (skirt), Just Steve (skirt), Russian dude with handbag, virgin gal in a skirt (Gabriel), virgin dude in dress pants (Greg), Herby the Love Bug.

Departees:

Legless and Blow Job

Returnees:

Man Cuff, Shark Killer, Wounded Knee, Head Gasket, Wet Dream, Shaggy Haggis

Misdemeanors:

Shaggy Haggis was running with a can of beer, which made him a hero but then decided it wasn’t worth the effort and threw the can, with beer in it! on the side of the road which should have made him hashit.

Virgins:

Greg from Australia, Head Gasket made him come with a back scuttle, which is his FSP as well.

Gabriel from USA, Swair made her come and she likes Reverse Cowgirl

England? from Norway who cannot remember FSP and was brought by Elephant Balls. There were a few takers when a request came to jog h memory.

Naming:

Elaina who is quiet and shy and Finnish and likes it on top was named Finish On Top

Debra who is lovely and tall and works in health and likes to paddle was named Stroke My Dick

Hashit:

Pleasure Centre for asking for dinner during (long) circle

Legless for being utterly disruptive

Man Cuff and Enema Queen for sex on the hash (Castrato made this nomination, we think he was just jealous EQ was not giving him any attention)

Enema Queen for dressing up for the hash

Shaggy for littering the city and wasting beer (he was sucking up to the GM saying GM can never be hashit, maybe he wanted to take the new hashit gear – a hair accessory – home to use the way Flatulence demonstrated)

Cockroach for forgetting to put on the hashit gear (he was already hashit anyway)

The honour was given to Cockroach after which the piper piped warm safari and we sang along. After dinner Fully Fitted fitted us with Amarula chocolates and shots, Caligula and Blow Job played the piano and people jumped on trampoline.

On on

Shark Killer

Scribe ate her notes to conceal the goings on. No Trash this week

Hash Trash 1416 - at Close Encounters’ and Extra Testicle’s landing pad
17 January 2011

Hares: Extra Testicle, Mr. Bombastic, Close Encounters

GM: Flatulence

RA: Wounded Knee

Scribe: Shark Killer

There were no marks and yet Knight Rider said it was a well set trail. There was some ocean, some beer and lots of sewage.

NWH will be at Nuts for Love’s mansion, although when called in the circle as trail mistress, she could not remember this. We honoured her with the dum dum song.

Announcements:

MacTilda hash on 23rd Jan at Bongoyo – the boat will leave Slipway at 8.30am.

Euro-Hash South of Holland 27-29 May

Zanzibar Hash – book now, check email

Kilimanjaro half marathon – talk to Flatulence

Forgetful Bastards: there was a virgin dude with a handbag that flatulence tried to hit on. For some reason he stopped on learning he was a virgin.

Inappropriately dressed:

Shark Killer (wore a t-shirt proclaiming self love), Caligula and Pinocchio (who wore a hash G string that nobody wanted to see – well except Flatulence, but Horni Goat kept him in check).

Returnees: Centre Fold, Knight Rider, Flatulence, Foxy Pussy, My Little Pony, Nurse Ratchet, Dominatrix, Brazilian Lawn, Mr. Bombastic, an Elephant Balls look alike.

Departees: Knight Rider, Wet Spot, Extra Testicle, Twitcher

Virgins:

Tenshi from Japan, Namura made him come, his FSP is “sitting up so you can see”, Namura emphatically described his own FSP as “backside, hit hit hit” – now put those two together.

Jack from LA, Wounded Knee made him come, FSP – he’s a virgin, so just on his own.

Surge from Mosco, the hash website made him come (it wasn’t that kind of website, darn those new pictures of Horni Goat and Foxy Pussy!), he likes missionary.

Flatulence let the power of being GM get to his head and decided Gary Glitter would be Hashit for being at the Irish Pub with two non hashers instead of coming to the hash. Foxy Pussy donned the gear as a Gary Glitter look alike (Lousy Head took a very long time trying to clasp the red bra on her; he obviously isn’t just lousy in the head).

On on

Shark Killer