Do we have a hash trash for this event??
Do we have a hash trash for this event??
Run No.1360 22 February 2010
Venue: Happy with Three Fingers’s Hacienda
Hares: Cockroach, HappyW3F
Grand Master: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: Candyman
The early part of the Trail was decidedly flaky - more dud checks than in Barclays Bank, as Flatulence said - but it got better, and, although I couldnt get a Campari and Soda at the drinks stop, when all’s said and done it was one of the GM’s better efforts. Isn’t there someone else on the Hash who can set a trail? The Walking Hare baled out half way round, and, once off the leash, Panty Pockets frogmarched the rest of the walkers all over the Peninsula.
The Trailmaster had been assiduously coached by the GM, so for once he knew that the next Hash will be set by Erotic Chicken on Saturday on Wazzo Hill - but he didn’t have a clue where that is or what time it will start. Good to see that the Hash Harlot - not put off by the torrent of abuse she got for her last effort - will host the Hash next Monday at her Brothel in Regent Estate - we all know where it is don’t we? Several really exciting events were announced, but the details completely escaped me. Shaggy Haggis cried “Giz a job.” Moving hurrriedly on now to the Inappropriately Dressed - who included Dar She Blows, Dominatrix, and a Virgin called Tom, who was unwise enough to come to the Hash wearing a T-shirt with a big “W” on it (of which more later). They were closely followed by Premature Finishers - who included Close Encounters, Rippa, Extra Testicular, and Easy Let (who seemed to finish before she had even started). Close Encounters was in a particularly feisty mood and kept interrupting, and at one point could no longer remember why she had her can of Kili on her head (who said working for DfiD doesn’t addle your brain?). Returnees and Departees were efficiently despatched, and then we came to the Virgin - and, as there was only one, the Hash made the most of humiliating him. This was the guy with the “W” on his T-shirt remember. It was said that he - “Walter” from Wimbledon was brought to the Hash by Woody and that his FSP was......well, do i really need to spell it out for you? And after much sober reflection the Circle decided that hereafter he shall be called “Wee Willie Wan*er” - surely a Hash record for the fastest naming?
Torsten’s Friend put in a welcome reappearance, together with his brother, and they horsed around the Circle accompanied by much ribaldry. The Hashit was awarded jointly to Flatulence and Shaggy Haggis for attempting to roger the RA - nothing new there then. The Circle ended with the traditional song.
Run No: 1359
Date: 15 February 2010
Event: Valentines Red Dress Run
Venue: Oooor Hooose
Hares: Cockroach, Boogie Boobs
Grand Master: Cockroach
Religious Advisor: CandyMan
Despite large red announcements over the ether, some who should have known better, such as Gary Glitter, NightRider, TinySausage, LittleMG, & StiffCoctail managed to turn up to a Valentine Hash wearing neither frocks nor romantic colours and were duly punished. EasyLet will need to lock her wardrobe as our Cocky new GM obviously revels in cross-dressing, poncing into the circle in his little pink number revealing lots of frilly undies and white fishnet tights. He was immediately usurped by Shaggy Haggis, fetchingly squeezed into a pink sheath but with clashingly orange lipstick (EasyLet’s again!), to call the Hares into the Circle. EasyLet pronounced the walk as windy/findy/nindy whatever that means. Apparently there was a run - boringly described by a be-wigged ElephantBalls as great, but missing a beer stop, as LateCummer had sensibly given priority to the walkie-talkies.
Cockroach tried in vain to exert his new authority on the rabble and amid the hubbub I think heard that there’s a going-away party for CheesyBalls & Ummbop at the Marine House this Friday and a play involving Aussies is on at the George & Dragon next Tues, Wed & Thurs sponsored by Warm Safari makers -inevitable cue for song. As usual Ripper had no clue about next week’s run but HappyWithThree Fingers eventually volunteered to host in honour of President’s Day today (Washington & Lincoln’s birthday) but disgraceful that none of the Yanks could agree on the definition of GroundHog day. For the umpteenth time HotSafari & Stiffy were dragged into the circle for their supposed last Hash.
CandyMan made a welcome return as RA and promptly dished out a series of punishments for the deteriotation of standards in his absence including depletion of Wet Dream’s beer cellar before the run by BoogieBoobs, LateCummer, Chris, Ummbop. Noteable returnees included SlimyB*****d, CandyMan, Foxy Pussy, NurseRatchett, Ummbop & Chris. There was very nearly no Trash as WAGS’s excuse for non-attendance resulted in facefulls of icy water for the scribe and the near total destruction of her scribbles but Panty’s proverbial Pockets came to the rescue. Visitors and Virgins - Eileen from London, Debbie of Ipswich and Laura from Norwich all had totally boring FSPs. One minute of silence marked Hash respect for the loss of Annie. Desperate was spotted being romantic with Shaggy in Zanzibar for Valentines and her Hashy birthday which were marked in traditional fashion. Ummbop & Ripper (the sparkle in his ball-gown brought out the best in his figure) were nominated as best dressed. The GM elicited a number of pathetic nominations for Hashit which went unanimously to EasyLet for exposing ankle-bracelet and tits during the walk (as sulking Twist continues his Hash boycott). SLSC was followed by drinking games until the long-delayed food arrived.
The new GM presented himself as our supreme leader and several hashers objected alleging the GM election was rigged promoting concern that Cockroach is now the Dar Hash GM for Life.
This was a true hash as we made our through shit in time honoured fashion. Boogie Boobs, Wet Dream and Ripper all called the walk romantic while O-Flaherty called it smelly - some information gap here. With only 3 hash house harriettes to keep order the GM and Sail regaled the circle with tales of getting naked in Zambia together while Trail Master Ripper had no clue where the next hash will be. Luckily oor hoose rode into the breach and offered to host the Red Dress run next week.
RA Shaggy Haggis doled out the down downs. Head Gasket was caught in the circle for making fun of the Italians – or was it for losing his keys as was Wounded Knee and there was much approval when hashers recognised the goodness of beer in the latest public health announcement. Also announced were the Bagamoyo relay coming up on 15/16 May and Goat Races on the 22nd May.
Hash heroes Gary Glitter and Kevin availed themselves of 2 down downs for their TBL hosting and sponsoring and we celebrated with a rousing rendition of Warm Safari. A very nice pole adorned the circle and AiaiAi rolled up in time for a down down for arriving later than LaterComer who didn’t arrive at all and then another for handing her beer to Ripper which started a technical dispute about the etiquette of beer abuse. Gary Glitter was back in again for rugby misdemeanors and a chorus of ou est le papier ensued for no good reason the scribe could see. The RA lost control and pulled Wet Dream in for a horizontal down down administered by Boogie Boobs for not being nicer to her but Wet Dream grabbed the chance of sex on the hash and refused to let go after which Gary Glitter was back in again for falsely accusing the scribe of leaning on the job.
Returnees were B-B fresh from looking after W-D, Dodgy Dik who was very busy and Sail who was on his way to Tanga. Virgins Sarah, Avert, Kevin and Kinati all proved their mettle the sparky harriette introducing the library steps in to the hash collection of favoured positions and although there was a valiant effort to re-distribute the hash shit by popular demand it went back to Twist with Avert the lookalike leading the way to nosh after our traditional closing song. All in all an exhausting hash am going to lie down in dark room…
Hash Trash AGPU
GetMeOff organized a fun event at the Thai village. The theme this year was Legends and Super Heroes. Costumes were worn by almost all in attendance. It looked like the tailors in the Upanga area were working overtime as everyone put a lot of effort and planning into their disguises, except for FuckItNow, who showed up in a t-shirt I’ve seen him wearing several times in the past claiming to be impersonating an off-duty SWAT officer. All were welcomed by a super-spiked screwdriver cocktail. Be careful if GetMeOff ever offers you a mixed drink in the future; two’s the limit on those. CampBed welcomed the huddled masses, recapped some of the past year’s events, thanked our sponsors, mismanagement committee, hosts and hares. Shaggy Haggis reminded us of our favorite drink “Warm Safari”. Then HOTY awards came next with Harriette Of The Year going to Panty Pockets and Harrier Of The Year going to Shaggy Haggis, both of which have contributed regularly to the smooth flow of the hash events. The Golden Twiga platter was awarded to Cockroach for more or less the same reason. At which point it was revealed that the universal suffrage that is espoused by the hash mismanagers was put into full effect and Cockroach had been elected to be the new GM. Everyone got their plates filled with delicious Thai food and drank some more Kili draft. With two of their desires satiated, the group assembled for a circle in which inexplicable costumes were explained and best dressed honors doled out; CampBed for his “Robin Hood” and Close Encounters for her “Cat Woman”. Dancing and more drinking ensued on into the night, thus concluding another fiscal year of hashing in Dar.
Run No.1356 1 February 2010
Venue: Hash Harlot’s Brothel, Regent Estate
Hares: Cockroach, Dominatrix
Grand Master: CampBed
Religious Advisor: Shaggy Haggis
Dominatrix produced a map of sorts to help Hashers find their way to her brothel, but the less said about it the better. The Ice Man is still out there somewhere, but he is now selling drinking water. Only a few of the more intrepid (aka “sad”) Hashers successfully penetrated the labyrinthine twists and turns of Regent Estate, and one of them was so traumatised by the experience he turned round at the gate and pissed off again. When I saw Cockroach poring over Dominatrix’s map of the trail, a deep sense of foreboding starting pulsing through my bowels (memories of Close Encounter’s hash), but for once my bowels were wrong, and we followed the trail without great difficulty. And at the end Cockroach even pulled off a bravura performance as a live hare. This was one of those rare Hashes where the runners far outnumbered the walkers. These pedestrian people were led on the walk by Dominatrix, who quickly managed to get them lost. Would a map have made any difference ......I doubt it. But I have good news for those parents foolish enough to pay oodles of money to have their orrible offspring attend Dominatrix’s school - she solemnly promised me that she would never try to teach them any geography.
Despite, or because of, the small attendance, the Circle was more than usually anarchic, rowdy (the RA lost his voice), and hilarious. The support staff were somewhat short-handed, on account of LateCummer having got lost trying to follow Dominatrix’s map - and he lives in the next street! Mr Bombastic and Banzai were pressed into service as Senior Beverages Managers, and wow did they give good head. Banzai’s sun-burnt legs with white thighs were a sight for sore eyes - I haven’t laughed so much since Close Encounter’s left her bikini bottoms behind in the 3-legged race at the 2008 Bongoyo Games. Shaggy admonished him for failing to SLIP, SLAP, SLOP, and went on to regale us with a highly unreliable account of the spectacular that Flatulence had pulled off as Tina Turner at the St George’s Society bash last weekend - Hornigoat is still trying to prise her underwear off him. Those Hashers misguided enough to miss the MacTilda Hash were made to take a Down Down in Atholl Brose - a strange Scottish concoction made from whisky and rusty girders. There were no Virgins, but Gary Glitter was a welcome returnee from Arusha (cue for a song perhaps) and Bronwen was named “Pleasure Centre” - and by the way, if youre interested, she is looking to swop her pet snake for a car.
Next weeks Hash will be at the Brewery, where we have been promised warm beer, food that by comparison would make rat droppings taste like caviar, and rubbish hospitality - just the regular Hash then. The Circle ended with Swing Low Sweet Chariot. Don’t miss the Annual General Piss-Up (AGPU) this coming Saturday at the Thai Village. If you don’t know where Thai Village is, whatever you do don’t ask Dominatrix for directions.
It was very strange to be taking part in the Bongoyo Hash without Prawn, Old Mother Riley, and Boogie Boobs, but they will be pleased to hear that their creation is still very much alive, and continues to give pleasure to so many of Dar’s lowlife. Everything worked too well for it to be a really great Hash, though the Grand Master not only managed to forget the Down Down mugs, but also designed a Hash T-shirt that doesn’t mention the word “Hash”. Talking of T-shirts, some lucky Hashers got a couture version that subtly uplifted the parts that other T-shirts let droop (and we are talking female physiognomy here by the way). Could this catch on? Perhaps we could have some special shorts for the male Hashers - not that I need them you understand, but for Hashers like Erotic Chicken who could use a bit of enhancement (last week’s Trash refers). The trail followed the traditional route to Bongoyo Cathedral where the service this year was conducted by Cardinal B. O’ Bones - am not sure that Hashers were too convinced, because nobody came forward to kiss his ring.
Arriving back at the main Beach wet, scratched, grazed, and cream-crackered the spirits of the Hashers were boosted by the Haggis being piped in and then liberally annointed with the GM’s own brand of whisky. In accordance with tradition the Circle was held in the sea. Said Circle was engulfed by numerous waves of tsunami proportions, but as the maelstrom swept through LateCummer and his mate Patti bravely held on to the Down Down stuff and not a drop was spilt - hash heroes they be. Talking of which, Candyman pulled no less than THREE Swiss nymphs off their sunbeds and down over the hot sand into the Circle, on the promise of the latest score in the Federer/Murray match - and I was so busy storing in their visual details, that, to my eternal regret, my brain overloaded and I had no space left for their FSPs. The Trailmaster was absent, so a lookalike - Banzai - was chosen, and, as he didn’t have a clue about where next week’s Hash is, he played his part to perfection. The GM knew better and announced that Monday’s Hash will be at the Hash Harlot’s brothel in Regent Estate (this could be hard to find because I think everywhere is a brothel in Regent Estate, but there will be a map. Jonathan, our trusty Piper, was named “BlowJob” (Candyman complaining that this was too intellectual a name), a Lucy lookalike was named “Banging Wet” and Karen becomes “Nuts for Love.”
After lunch we had fun and games. Against the run of form Close Encounter’s team won the boat race by a can and a half. All the smart money was on Saddlesore’s team, but her back marker - Latecummer - suffered a refusal and foamed horribly at the mouth. I feared that he would have to been put down, but unfortunately he was seen drinking again in the paddock. The traditional tug-of-war, was, as always, won by the Harriettes and assorted rugrats and little biters (when is Candyblower coming back?). Contrary to all tradition, the Hash did not end with “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”.
Run No.1354 25 January 2010
Venue: Jackie’s Bar
Hares: Cockroach, Stiff Cocktail
It was a most irregular Hash, with a lot of ad hoc, seat-of-the-pants, suck-it-and-see, if-you-will-then-I-will, whatever-route-you-take-is-fine-by-me stuff going on. Wet Dream must have been turning in his grave. No, I haven’t heard anything untoward about him - he hasn’t graced the Hash with his presence for yonks, but I did see him at the weekend and he was definitely half-dead then.
When the GM - the laconic CampBed - asked NiteRider what he thought of the trail he replied that it was “WetnDry”. And Beepertits complained that the walk was too long to be a walk. Announcements came thick and fast, including MacTilda Hash (Sunday 31st Jan - last chance to get tickets is at George and Dragon pub on Wednesday night) and AGPU (Saturday 6th Feb) and Tina Turner night (Friday) and Kili Marathon (there is not much accommodation left but you can always shack up with Flatulence). BagOBones reminded the prospective Mactilda Hashers of the wise words of the former Bishop of Bongoyo, the Very Reverend Aloysius Prawn, to wit: SLIP, SLAP, SLOP.
Shaggy Haggis complained about there not being a Hare of the Dog Hash on Monday 1st Feb, so he was promptly volunteered to set one - he will be helped by the Hash Harlot. Said Shaggy then flounced into the Circle in the guise of Religious Advisor only to be greeted by shouts of “Translator please” from Rippa. So when Shaggy chose Rippa to be his translator there were even more shouts of “Translator please”. One feels sorry for people, who unlike me, can’t speak the Queen’s English, but only for about 1 second. Shaggy was rambling on about penis offences again, and when we finally got to the bottom of it, it seemed he was alleging that Flatulence had abused his immorata (aka Hornigoat) to such an extent that she has had to be medivacced to Denmark to be stitched up. Even by the standards of the Hash this is poor form - every decent person knows that you should wait until you are married before you start abusing your partner.
There were a lot of allegations and counter allegations involving Erotic Chicken, the Kenyan male physiognomy, and the Hash Harlot’s shorts. Much of it was over my head, but I did record the clear-cut conclusion that Erotic Chicken has a tiny sausage. No surprise there then. Pre-Departees Stiff Cocktail and Hot Safari were given a pre-Down Down - and true to form Hot Safari took so long about it that the rude verse of the Down Down song had to be re-sung several times. Some motley Virgins who were coaxed out from under the bed included Clarel, Patric, Ishihara, Wanjika, and Natalie whose FSP is “any with my boyfriend” and who, to no great surprise, was then immediately overwhelmed by prospective suitors and other saddoes. There wasn’t much competition for the Hashit, and NiteRider and BettyBoo had to be dragged into it to make up the numbers, but there was never any doubt that it was going to go to Stiff Cocktail for his services to the Hash over the years (which he really enjoyed). As in all the very best Circles the Hash ended with the reverential singing of that old Hash spiritual - Swing Low Sweet Chariot.
Run No.1353 18 January 2010
Venue: Close Encounter’s mock-baronial pile in Mikocheni
Hares: Tiny Sausage, Bag O Bones, Close Encounters
This was one of those hashes where the harriette (said to be the weaker sex) planned and marked the trail (Close Encounters??) and then conned some chivalrous but very naive hasher (Tiny Sausage) into taking her scrap of a map and being the front hare. This trick almost always ends in tears, and tonight was no exception. It was going fairly well until Tiny’s GPS (1) fell asleep and the pack went off-trail by about 2 clicks (though since when was the Front Hare meant to lead the pack round the trail?). The thought that we might be wandering round Mikocheni half the night led to a general lowering of spirits, and quite a few runners dropped out at the beer stop. Credit to Pissed in Action, a miniscule PaddyBrat and a few others for sticking with it to the bitter end - which contrary to hallowed custom was a long way beyond the beer stop. When we finally got back to Close Encounter’s place, Tiny Sausage just kept on running and was last seen heading for protective custody with Mikocheni Police. While runners were having such fun, Close Encounters guided some very pedestrian hashers on a walk and got them ....................lost.
The Grand Master - the very egregious CampBed - called forth the Hares for retribution. As Tiny had done a runner the GM chose Slappa as a Tiny lookalike, and it proved to be a busy night for her. There were trailers for the MacTilda Hash (Sunday 31st Jan - see Spitz) and the Hash AGPU (Saturday 6th Feb - theme Legends and Super Heroes - see Get Me Off). Cockroach invited everyone to a Tina Turner knees-up at Sweet Eazy on Friday 29th January. Dominatrix suggested that Hashers may like to make donations next Monday in memory of our recently deceased Harriette Anne - proceeds to go to a worthy cause. To widespread derision the Trailmaster claimed to know that next week’s Hash will be at Jackie’s Bar (though she doesnt know it yet) and will be hosted by Stiff Cocktail and Hot Safari in celebration of their impending escape from the clutches of the Hash Mismanagement Committee.
The GM then handed over control to the Religious Advisor - Shaggis - who quickly lost it. He was speaking in tongues, or at least I assume he was. My notebook struggled to keep up and I thought it would crash at one point, but it did record him saying “I’ll scr*w the Virgins later” and “This is a very very penis offence”. Nevertheless, he did remember to give EasyLet, Rippa, Moonshine, and Penthouse the Hashy Birthday treatment. As for the aforeskinned Virgins, they were almost all Knuckleheads from the States (but seem quite decent guys all the same) and why Penthouse (who everyone knows is not a Virgin) was amongst them was not made clear to me. Some naming and shaming went on - Just Felipe (rejected by the Marines for being too intelligent and so forced into the Air Force) was named Top Bum thanks to the decisive vote of Tiny Bastard; Just Megan was named Looby Booby, and Just Gus will from henceforth be always called Twitter Tw*t. The Hashit went most unfairly to the Tiny Sausage lookalike - which was Cockroach (Slappa having finally gone off duty for the night). The Circle ended with SLSC. And then we had tasty fish and chips courtesy of My Little Pony and a promotional offering from a new chippy called Red Snapper (tel: 0788 759849) close by Talk of the Town just off Garden Road in Mikocheni.
(1) For those non-techies amongst you, I am reliably informed that GPS means Giant Pussy Sniffer
Run No.1352 11 January 2010
Venue: CampBed’s castle
Hares: Cockroach, and CampBed
It was another of Cockroach’s shorter runs (isn’t there someone else out there who can set a Hash trail?) and he cracked the whip unmercifully, because he didn’t want to get into hot water again by getting us back after dark (like what he usually does) (and give me the excuse to use my headtorch). Foxy Pussy was a hash heroine for checking out an obviously false trail when she was already puce in the face - everyone pushed on, and I left her to be swept up by the usual de facto Back Hare - Rippa. Hashdance really enjoyed the walk, and denied using it as an excuse to chatter to other like-minded souls about the vicissitudes of the expat life in Dar.
Upcoming features include the Blockbuster MacTilda Hash on Bongoyo Island on Sunday 31st January - a fun day out for all the family (provided they can swim) complete with sandy, undercooked chicken washed down with coolish beer - plus musical entertainment, games, and the traditional service in Bongoyo Cathedral. Bring cash (lots of it) to the next Hash to secure your place. You will only have a week to recover from this before the AGPU (Annual General Piss-Up to the uninitiated) - which will be on Saturday 6th February. This is your chance to throw out the tired old mismanagement regime, and vote in some new vigorous, thrusting types who will take the Hash in bold new directions. In the dim and distant future will be Hornigoat and Flatulence’s wedding - they are being a bit coy about when it will be, but I have been reliably informed that Shrijees has their wedding present list.
The Circle started with the Runnning Hare - Cockroach - being given a horizontal down down by EasyLet who was standing in for the usual torturer - Boogie Boobs (who was under the Doctor). He foamed horribly at the mouth. The so-called Trailmaster (Rippa) claimed to know that next weeks Hash will be hosted by Close Encounters, but no-one could make head nor tail of his directions, so wait for the email notice. Shaggy Haggis was the Guest RA - and a rather prickly one at that. Not only did he punish Cowpiss, Mr S*i*h*le, Potty and Cockroach for committing trivial misdemeanours, but he took umbrage at Flatulence for usurping his traditional role of calling the “Oggies” at the end of the “Warm Safari” song. He struggled to make himself heard over the racket from raucous hashers - who were giving him a touch of his own medicine. And talking of raucous hashers, the Circle was saddened to see Mr S, Nasty Pasty, and Potty troop out when Departees were called for. They have worked hard for the Hash over the years, and provided us with a lot of good, innocent, and not-so-innocent merriment - we will surely miss them. Most of the Virgins were from across the pond, having been brought to the Hash by their Embassy’s resident Jarheads - they included Chris, Paul and Rio. But there was also Jennifer from Dar es Salaam, who did a much better job of sinking her down down than the men. There were various sorry contenders for Hashit - Mr S, Oscar and TV Balls failed to make the cut, leaving only Shaggy and Mmbap in contention. TANESCO (who werent even invited to the Hash) had the last word, and cut the power off when Mmbap came up for the vote - this was taken as a SIGN from above. We ended with the traditional song, as in all the very best circles.