HASH TRASH
Run No.1276 23 September 2008
Venue: Jackie’s Bar
Hares: BendHer, OverEasy, Squirrel and Nutcracker - otherwise known as the YOTTIES

It was a run for runners again - or I am just getting old? I was that cream crackered that I short-cut to the beer stop - and whilst so doing I caught sight of a couple of virgins walking along hand-in-hand. I stored the memory away for use in the Circle, only to discover later that they were on their honeymoon - and even I would not be such a cad as to get virgins into trouble for having sex on their honeymoon. Now where was I ? - oh yes, those Easy Vikings aka Hornigoat and Pissed in Action put in an early appearance in the Circle for being ..... well easy I suppose. And there were various announcements of no great consequence, including CampBed being the new Trailmaster, CandyBlower being the new Hash Cash, and next week’s hash being at Hoon Towers with celebrity guest ParknRide.

The Religious Advisor (and ex-pinko) CandyMan was in the mood for discipline, but as Miss Whiplash was on duty in the Q Bar that night, he had to make do with castigating Jesus for letting his skirt slip, Pissed in Action for lusting after Marines, and various flatulent hashers for creating a draught. Virgins parading demurely in the Circle included Alistair, Yvonne (as in “Yvonne your knickers, your mothers coming”), and honeymooners Leticia (whose father made her come) and Stefan, who was too frightened to tell us his favourite sexual position because his father-in-law (Frozen Scrotum) was listening. Returnees of little note included Mr S...hole, Flatulence, Tiny Sausage, Louis, Gay Haggis and Triar F..k. Jesus led us in a comic song - the “Wild Hasher” - whilst wearing a lime-green Borat thong. And there wasn’t a dry eye in the house as Wet Dream announced that this was the end of the Dream Team of RentBoy >>> Hornigoat, on account of the formers imminent departure to paddies new. In appreciation of all the romance and glamour that they have brought to the Hash, and so that they will have something to remember each other by, RentBoy was given a stuffed goat to cuddle in perpetuity, and Hornigoat was given Torsten’s Friend on temporary loan. The Hashit went to ParkNRide because it will be her last chance to have it, so to speak. There was a song to finish.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1275 15 September 2008
Venue: Near Baobab village
Hares: Chris, Robby, CampBed

It was a run for serious runners, as the checks were few and far between - CampBed was the “brains?”behind it apparently. But hey, it was time the Hash had a good workout. And the beer tastes better when you have had to really work for it.

Panty Pockets tried manfully ? to whip up more support for the Morogoro Hash Weakend on 18/19 October. Wet Dream promised a gentle, flat run on the Saturday followed by skinny dipping in rock pools on Sunday morning after church. Lots of insensible people have already signed up for this event, but accommodation is limited and if you leave it too late to decide you might have to kip in the back of the beer truck with Frozen Scrotum and Ribbed for Pleasure. Squirrel’s swanning off on a jolly (well actually he’s permanently on a jolly) so his weighty responsibilities as Trailmaster have been taken on by CampBed, who announced that next week’s Hash will be hosted by Benderover and OverEasy - from Jackie’s Bar. I didn’t know Jackie had a bar, but I am not at all surprised.

The RA (Candyman) said “Some things never change” referring to Jesus’s underpants, which carbon dating has shown have been encrusted on him for some months. Why does he persist in running in them? - God knows perhaps - they are about as sexy as an over-80s nudist leapfrog team. Other Miss Demeanours included OverEasy for wearing a hat in the Circle, and SlappA, Beach Balls, Boogie Boobs, CandyBlower, and Flora for latecumming. Returnees of consequence included Topi - GM of the Nairobi Hash -, Jesus, Neandershorty, and less consequential others were Robbie, Irena and Chickenshit. Virgins included Tomas from Denmark whose favourite sexual position is Emily, and Jodie from Oz who said she had been dragged to the Hash by a Shrimp - some Shrimp!! There continues to be much puerile argument about the precise place of Torsten’s Friend in the panoply of Hash Honours, and the practicality of it being enjoyed by two Harriettes at the same time, but Hashers voted overwhelmingly for awarding it as an accessory to the Hashit - to Jesus for his appalling sartorial solecism.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1274 8 September 2008
Venue: A field near the US Embassy
Hares: Mr F***ing Nobody, Boxer, and Friar Tuck

Another great crowd - this time for Mr F***ing Nobody’s farewell hash. The kids of Mikocheni were also pleased to see the back of him, as they turned out in very large numbers to give chase, mimic hash calls, and wet themselves laughing at the bizarre hashers. Even Wet Dream loped along for most of the way, and at one point I saw him being overtaken by a chicken squawking Aaaan Aaaan.

There was a trailer for the Morogoro Hash on 18 October. Apparently the beds will be big enough to take Gay Haggis AND Tulip, Panty Pockets, Robin and Batman - but you’ll need earplugs if you want to get any sleep. The Trailmaster had forgotten where next week’s Hash is (despite it being about the only thing that his job entails) but fortunately CampBed knew that it will be somewhere near Baobab Village and will be hosted by Chris ??? with the help of two tall blonde gay guys. Mr F***ing Nobody announced free beer for everyone who comes to meet KungFu Panda, who is making a personal appearance at the Marines Club on Thursday night. Our very own KungFu Panda - Gay Haggis - will be there to have a beer with him.

The RA (Candyman), continuing his obsession with stamping out sex, dragged Pissed in Action into the Circle for her unwise but true comments on the sexual availability of Danish girls. Other Miss Demeanours included Hornigoat for despoiling the pristine environment of Mikocheni by chucking her beer can on the ground; Spitss and Swallows for using her phone, and Nutcracker for forgetting to wear the Hashit gear. The RA wistfully remarked how quiet the Hash will seem without Mr F***ing Nobody, and how we will miss Swoooping Tiger. Mr FN led the Hash in a recitititation, and then was asked to take his down down with some Hashers who he wouldn’t miss in a million Hashes - choosing Frozen Scrotum, Candyman, Rent Boy, SlappA and other assorted Canuckians.

I thought Nutcracker was a dead cert for the Hashit after leaving the Hashit gear in the stern locker, but she shamefully fingered Rent Boy (“always a popular choice”) for allegedly posing one-leggedly on top of an obelisk. Candyblower was then added to the list, because at the weakend she had, most inadvisedly, begged the GM not to give her the Hashit to avoid her being embarrassed in front of her visiting parents. She was duly awarded the Hashit by popular acclaim, with Candyman saying he was really proud of her. There was a song at the end, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1273 1 September 2008
Venue: Hooker and Dhow Bar, Msasani
Hares: Nutcracker, Boxer, Candyblower

The GM (Candyman) announced the passing away of Boogie Boobs’s Dad, Joe. Prawn paid tribute to him, and hashers observed a minutes silence. Other, happier, announcements included the Morogoro Hash Weakend on 18 October (names to PantyPockets) and Proms in the Park on 13 September - the latter seems a tad jingoistic to me, but it is in a very good cause - Nutcracker explained that all proceeds will go to a charity that supports victims of female genital mutilation, but warned that the cut-off point for tickets was the 9th September - not the most felicitous choice of words in the circumstances. Hashers sang “Hashy Birthday” to Irena who claimed to be 40 years old (Sounds like, Sounds Like, ....). CampBed, when asked what he thought of the walk, said it was “very nice”. VERY NICE! - is that the best you can do CampBed? - after that expensive Harvard education your parents scrimped and saved for all those years. “Very nice” is what you say to your aunt when you open the ghastly present she has given you for Christmas.

Prawn was the guest RA, and, as always, he was good value for money, though he sailed a little close to the wind at times. He had the birthday girl Irena tuck Torsten’s Friend under her armpit (tho thats not really where it is meant to go) while he poured a down down into her. There were no less than 9 Virgins, including a Belge, a West Coast girl who had come to the Hash to find a man to lie on top of her, and Stefan who is into the sex business - and not forgetting Richard (Wingco) who for the second time was attending a Hash inappropriately dressed - the RA concluded that he must have learning difficulties and gave him a horizontal down down - cutely poured by SlappA. But, enough of these dashes, let’s get back to proper sentences. There were quite a few Returnees. One was a three-times GM (Uganda, Jamaica, and ?) called Slapper (no relation) who tried to claim that his status gave him immunity from all Hash rules, but Candyman wasn’t having any, and made him repeat his down down. Krystal and Daniel were thanked for throwing open the Hooker and Dhow to be trashed by the Hash. And then, lo and behold, it was Hashit time. Candidates were Irena-the-birthday-girl, Bagobones for not giving the GM the credit he thinks he deserves, and Nutcracker for her cutting remarks. This was a no-brainer - so it went to Nutrcracker. And then the Circle ended with that cottonpickin’ song.

Editors Apologia: The Hash Trash is renowned for its adherence to the highest journalistic standards, so it is with profound regret that I confirm that there was an error in Trash 1272. It was reported that Knight Support had donated an almost completely useless First Aid Kit to the Hash. Although the Trash was quoting the GM verbatim, this statement was incorrect. It was Ultimate Security who donated the almost completely useless First Aid Kit to the Hash. On behalf of the whole editorial team I wish to apologise unreservedly to Knight Support for this unwarranted slur on their reputation.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1272 25 August 2008
Venue: Yacht Club
Hares: Omission, Squirrel, Boxer

There was an excellent turn-out for Omission’s farewell Hash. He gave the runners a very confusing account of the trail markings, and then left them in the tender care of Squirrel and Boxer who, at every check, could be seen poring over little maps and not making any sense of them. Despite being very well-worn territory Omission managed to find a few previously unexplored nooks and crannies for us to jog down. Mr F***king Nobody was much less disruptive than normal on account of being held on a very tight lead. Pissed in Action made sure that Boxer didn’t fall too far behind and get lost.

Our much revered Grand Master, Wet Dream, announced that there will be a Mishmanagement Meeting this Thursday at HIS house. He thanked Knight Support for donating a First Aid Kit to the Hash, but cautioned Hashers about getting overconfident and taking too many risks - as there is almost nothing useful in it - no disinfectant, rubber gloves or K-Y Jelly. The RA (Candyman) reminded Hashers of the “No sex rule” and called forth Hornigoat for punishment - she was last seen in the Members Enclosure at the Goat Races with her tongue down Rentboy’s throat (envy all round). Omission is about to mutate into a teacher of small boys, so small-boy-lookalikes, such as Slippery When Wet and Prawn, were brought into the Circle to share a down down with him. Returnees included Prawn, OMR, OverEasy, Benderova, Fat Bastard, Skidmark, and SlappA. Virgins included Wingco Richard, Whitney from Arkansaw, Torsten, Elephant Balls, Lene the Wife, Rita who likes it in the water, and baby Ione. Wingco was administered a horizontal down down by Pissed in Action to the tune of The Dambusters March. “Forgeful bu**ers” included Sifa who had forgotten to collect no less than two mobile phones. Skidmark complained of being cheated after trudging all the way from Dubai in the hope of seeing the black rubber dildo, better known as “Torsten’s Friend” - so he was awarded it “in absentia”. Arushasha was damply followed by a strangely-muted rendering of SLSC.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1271 18 August 2008
Venue: Shooter’s Grill, Namanga
Hares: Stiff Cock Tail, Klingon, Hot Safari, Boxer

Another trail on the Peninsula but a world away from the leafy lanes we normally jog down. We ran through a maze of narrow lanes and passages, dodging pools of evil black sludge, and always in danger of tripping over watoto wadogo who snapped at our heels, or being decapitated by rusty iron roofs. Fortunately we weren’t hunting with dogs this time, so the local residents looked on with bemused tolerance. Klingon admitted that he got lost when setting the trail and had to pay someone to guide him out. We were told later that at one point we had passed Slippery When Wet’s apartment - close to The Mucky Shop no doubt. The walky talkies discovered a neat green park, but, although there was plenty of talk, they didn’t get much walk.

Announcements came thick and fast: no Mishmanagement meeting this week (cheers); next week’s hash “somewhere near here”, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee inviting all and sundry to a party at the Little Theatre, Friday 22nd 19.30; and the Hash is looking for a new Hash Cash (no-one was killed in the rush to volunteer).

Pia thought the run was “way too long”, someone said that there was “not enough sewage”, and a virignal harriette said she couldn’t find the trail because she didn’t know what the paper looked like. Stephanie had the extraordinary temerity to run whilst playing hardball with an internet service provider, and was duly named “Service Me” - clearly, she must be a near relation of “Begging for it”. There were Virgins from all over the civilised world, as well as the USA. Virginal marines seem to have a healthy predilection for turning cowgirls upside down and then reversing them - or perhaps it’s the other way round? I am very confused - I don’t think these positions had been invented when I were a lad. ParkNRide shyly returned “Torsten’s Friend” - it looked a little more polished than it did last week, but perhaps it was just a trick of the light - it went to Head Gasket for chattering on and on and on while the RA was pontificating. It should have been stuffed in his mouth. The Hashit gear had been found by Klingon under Wet Dream’s bed - apparently that’s where he sleeps when Boogie Boobs is away - and Hashers voted it onto Triar *uck (as Wet Dream spoonerismically called him) for cold shouldering Candyblower at some society “do” up west.

The food was sponsored by Siemens but it wasn’t slimy at all - or too salty. Quite a nice change from the curried dog that the Embassy serves up.

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HASH TRASH
Run No.1270 11 August 2008
Venue: Gay Haggis’s hovel (tho’ Tulip pays the rent)
Hares: Bagobones, RentBoy and Panty Pockets

Another yawn-inducing trail around the leafy streets and lanes of the Peninsula, but it is a harmless way to get a sweat up in order to justify downing a few cans of the amber liquid. Of course not all hashers need an excuse ... but more of the GM later. There was the usual litany of whinges from (some of) the harriettes, who seem to like it short and soft with a quick finish.

The GM launched forth with an appeal for suitable names for that black rubber gnarled knobbly thing that he brought all the way from Birmingham (what were the security people thinking of when allowing it on an aircraft?). Rentboy, who had had temporary possession of the aforesaid thing, was administered a horizontal down down by the lovely Upskirts, who performed the duty in a caring, insightful way. Why did he get a down down? - merely to fill time while the wholly incontinent Hash staff (aka LateCummer, Candyblower) hurriedly got the Hash mugs washed in Tulip’s toilet, which, incidentally, Panty Pockets had just used.

The GM (Wet Dream) then announced a mishmanagement meeting on Thursday 19.00 hrs EAT at ooooor hooose, and appealed for the Hash to participate in the Nairobi-Naivasha relay on 4/5 October - see Tiny Sausage (you’ll have to look hard, because he is quite small). No-one had a bloody clue about where next weeks hash is, owing to the absence of the Trailmaster - off frolicking in sun-kissed meadows with the diaphonous Nutcracker no doubt.

The first of the night’s piss artists (aka Religious Advisors) took the stage and called forth Spitsss and Swallows who was described as an “oxymoronic U.S. intelligence agent” on account of her leaving a mobile phone in the tender care of a barman at last weeks hash. Candyman (for it was he) then handed over to a much bigger piss artist: - Gay Haggis. He proceeded to rant and rail against beer abuse (he might as well have pissed into the wind) poncey wine drinkers (aka ParknRide and Candyblower) and stick insects (aka LateCummer), and he then lead us in a Hash Prayer. He shared with us with the rules (circa 1940) of the original Hash in KL, including “females and other bad characters are prohibited from participating” and “Hash funds are not to be used to pay the fines of members appearing in court”. Times have changed of course, but not always for the better methinks. Moving quickly on to Virgins - of which there were 6, including Moonhole, MTN, Megan, and Hans Knees and Bumpsadaisy. And then when some of us had totally given up hope of getting a hot meal, the GM got us back to the knotty subject of naming the black knobbly thing. There was very broad support for “The Horse’s Penis”, so it was named “Torsten’s Friend”. In the absence of the pukka hashit gear, the Torsten’s Friend was put up as a stand-in. ParknRide said she might need it, but didn’t deserve it, and tried to foist it onto Candyblower. There was a debate about whether it was double-ended and so suitable for being awarded jointly to two harriettes. The ensuing catfight was curtailed by the GM who with blatant bias awarded Torsten’s Friend to ParknRide. The Circle ended with the traditional song.

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HASH TRASH
Run No. 1269 4 August 2008
Venue: C & W (Carriage & Wagon?) Steakhouse
Hares: Tiny Sausage and Emission

I wondered why Tiny was so quick off the checks, but the run turned out to be so long that, if he hadn’t have helped us along a bit, we would still be out there. Especially as one of the hashers was a marine who was perversely fond of checking out the most unlikely trail routes. A good run though. I got spat at by a harriette with no name, but hey “Stuff Happens”. F****ing Nobody stubbed his toe on a pebble and had to be carried round the run by Wet Dream, who was delighted to have an excuse not to run. The beer stop was in the wrong place and this caused a mass panic attack amongst the thirsty Hashers.

The Circle started with a spirited rendering of “Ou est le papier?” on account of it being hash number soixante-neuf (plus douze cents). This was followed by an inquisition into the “Great Beer Stop Disaster”. Klingon blamed Stiffy, and Stiffy blamed Klingon, and Stiffy and Klingon blamed Ribbed for Pleasure - who had craftily slunk away into the darkness minutes earlier. Genetic Freak got called into the Circle as well, though my notebook is curiously silent on the reasons why. The official Religious Advisor, his deputy, and his deputy’s deputy were absent without leave, so Spitsss and Swallows was called in to officiate (someone please give her a loudhailer). As always, she did a good job of humiliating the 6 Virgins:- Cristiano from Vancouver likes the Cowgirl position (don’t ask me), whereas Alison from Pennsylvania prefers to do it doggy-style. There is material for a seriously erudite PhD here. RentBoy was in trouble for forgetting to bring back the black rubber dildo that he was given last week - he thought that it was his to use for ever!!!!!. I thought Genetic Freak was a prime candidate for Hashit, having complained several times about the unavailability of Hash T-shirts - and then turning his nose up at those that were offered him - but it went to Ribbed for Pleasure on account of his beer stop F***k Up. The Circle ended with an American song allegedly written by Wallis Willis in 1840.

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HASH TRASH
Run No. 1268 28 July 2008
Venue: Mother Immoral’s House of ill-Repute, Peninsula
Hares: Bunny, Flatulence and Mother Immoral

Bunny said it was a perfectly set run, but then she would wouldnt she? Actually, it was quite good, though it was obvious that they had cheated and set it from a car. There were some tricky bits, but SlappA figured em out pretty quick - you have to get up very early to pull a fast one on SlappA. Wet Dream abandoned the run after no more than a few hundred metres, on account of his jetlag - poor wee thing. Skidmark measured his length on the ground, but fortunately he was not on the wet tar section at the time. Tiny played with his horn to great effect.

Talking of Tiny things, he is setting Next weeks Hash - from the Lora International Brasserie in Mikocheni B. The GM (the real GM that is, not those pale imitations we have been getting recently) dished out trophies given to him by other Hashes. The T-shirts were popular but there wasn’t much enthusiasm for the black rubber dildo so thoughtfully presented to us by ex-Dar hashers in Birmingham (well lets face it there is not much else to do in Birmingham but play with dildos). It was probably too small to interest our Harriettes, so it was presented to Rent Boy, because of the problems he has “getting it up on the beach”- he fretted about what his maid will think when she discovers it under his bed.

Much scorn was poured on the RA for his supposedly first known sighting of a candy-striped hyena (after last weeks Hash at Woody’s Hole). Those who would have been scared witless by seeing a hyena were called into the Circle for a down down - and these included Hornigoat, Bunny and Swooping Tiger. Returnees were welcomed - none more so than Hot Safari who has been to hell (aka Nairobi) and back recently, but is now much better. There were 5 virgins, one of whom was from the dreaded A-place, so we all got drenched. Another was Louis who said he was an alcoholic who favours the hyena position. Some thongs remained unclaimed, so the RA ordered Prince Charming (aka Rent Boy) to go round the Harriettes trying it on (so to speak) - they werent impressed. Flatulence was the deserved recipient of the Hashit for the most long-winded and boring Hashit nomination in the history of the Dar Hash. The Circle ended with a song about a chariot taking the Prophet Elijah to heaven. Hallelujah!

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HASH TRASH
Run No. 1267 22 July 2008
Venue: Woody’s hole, Kawe
Hares: My Little Pony, Janine and Verna

Those brave souls who ventured through the evening rush hour to the end of civilisation as we know it were treated to a cracking run through fine hashing country. There was a good turnout, and that is without counting the hoards of watoto kidogo who joined us for much of the run. They also participated fully in the hymn to Father Abraham. Taking our social responsibilities seriously we shepherded the watoto safely across the main road and then immediately back again. All very heart-warming stuff I’m sure. It was getting dark by the time we came off the beach and fell on the beer truck with parched throats.

The Grand Master came amongst us in the human form of Candyman, who was less pinkish than usual. He lavished praise on Friar Tuck and Hornigoat for the munificent scrumptiousness of last weeks food, and had a kind word for My Little Pony and Saddlesore for their nerdy efforts to give the Dar hash a worldwide presence - thanks to them ooooooor website will now accept photos, but only likkle ones please (max. 1” x 1”). ParknRide likes it short and slow, so she was not at all happy with the walk. The GM castigated (I think i have spelt that right) Candyblower, Rent Boy and My Little Pony for cadging a lift on the beer truck and covering him with dust as they sped by. The Bitch was congratulated for becoming a father, though I am reliably informed that his part in the whole enterprise was extremely small. CampBed was the Guest RA, and his main concern seemed to be to get all offenders, Virgins, returnees, and anyone else he could think of, into the middle for one big Down Down - forgetting that we only have so many mugs - and on this night, not much beer.

Tiny Sausage nominated My Little Pony for Hashit on account of him getting his trail crossed (but technically he didn’t, Tiny!) Dog’s Bollocks was nominated for giving up and walking before we even got to the first check, and Rent Boy was nominated, because we always nominate Rent Boy. But the overwhelmingly popular choice for Hashit this week was Joe who was spotted doing warm-up exercises before the run started. If there is anything that the Hash is not about, if you get my drift, it is fitness, and physical well-being. The Circle ended without a song, which offended the traditionalists, but delighted the
more libertarian, free-spirited wing of the Hash (aka Nutcracker).

Did anyone else think Saddlesore’s hash cakes tasted rather mild? - put more hash in them love next time please.
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