Hash Trash 2010

HASH TRASH Run No. 1391 Venue: The G Spot Hares: Pleasure Centre, Castratus Interruptus, Jennifer Grandmaster: Cockroach Religious Advisor: The Perkle

The G Spot turned out to be off Ali Bin Said Avenue - no wonder I could never find it. Spitssssssss pitched up with what looked very like carpet burns on her knees, but claimed it was sunburn, and Shaggy swaggered in looking like an inner city used car salesman. The run was well crafted, though the beer stop was a long while in coming. Dommie spoke mendaciously of the life-enhancing conversations she had indulged in on the walk, but said the window-shopping was crap.

Our Trailmaster boasted of a wonderful NWH with TWO beer stops, but was as usual rather flaky on the details. Arse Liquor invited hashers to welcome his new boss at the Marine House on Friday afternoon. Miss Morogoro 1942 told everyone that it was time to fork out for the eponymous hash. There is also a Scottish bash on Saturday night at the Terrace at Slipway. Knight Rider floated the idea of a pub crawl in Mwenge, late September.

The RA had his work cut out trying to get Hashers to remember one of the cardinal rules of the Hash - to whit 'No Sex on the Hash' - and alleged that Close Encounters and Extra Testicular had been canoodling, and TakkaTrakka? had been seen trying to get her leg over. FRBs included Banzai, Arse Liquor, TakkaTrakka? and Flatulence. Returnees included Slip Inside who claimed to have been practicing unnatural acts with camels in Niger, as did Extra Testicular (sheep - Wales). Departees included Puff Dada, and Wounded Knee who is too embarassed to bring his VVIP visitor to the Hash. Who said the Hash isn't educational? The Virgins were struggling to think of an impressive FSP when Arse Liquor (who else?!) suggested 'The Alabama Crabdangler' and promptly demonstrated it, with Shaggy playing the male part (sic). Hashers and Virgins (Douglas, Kate, Choo, Jessica, and Chris) were certainly impressed.

The RA pressured Extra T to propose to Close Encounters, and amazingly she stopped talking to listen to him - and then just laughed. As always happens at this point in the evening, Arse Liquor's Ritalin dose had started wearing off, and the RA had to send him to the Ice Box - and when he emerged from his watery grave Hashers sang 'Tiny Sausage' to him. Of course Arse Liquor is a counter-interrogation professional, so it didn't shut him up, but we did finally get a bit of peace when the Ice Box was upturned over him and was sat on. Spitsssss, who is notoriously intolerant of loud men behaving badly, was delighted.

Arse Liquor was honoured with no less than three nominations for Hashit, so it was no-contest. The Circle ended with a rather serious and sombre rendition of SLSC.

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Run no: 1390 GM : Cockroach RA : CandyMan Venue : Mancuff's Hares : Mancuff, Knight Rider

If you haven't already grabbed a run to host in the next month or so, then be quick 'cos they're going fast and your much maligned trailmaster may not be able to keep a date for you. But if you ask nicely he will do his best, so let him know your first choice of Monday asap. This week's running trail was remarked upon by CandyMan as it involved only three checks in five k's - and they all seemed to be in the first half of the run. A fast circuit with primarily right turns and no beer stop. Knight Riders walk was said to be entirely made up on the hoof but still with no beer stop, according to PantyPockets. Trailmaster Castrato had next weeks run sorted even before the first beer. PleasureCentre? will be host and promised faithfully to send out a perfect map. ShaggyHaggis thought it should show the way to her G spot - which may be why Desperate got so named. Announcements were most importantly for Morogoro hash on 11 and 12 September - deposits now and full payment by the end of the month. Some scottish dancey thing on 28 August, a new Little Theatre play from 1-4 September and a new KnightRiderish? restaurant which will do outside catering. Ho Hum. Two familiar faces turned out to be Oliver and Hanna (Flatulence claimed them as his brother and sister but the paternal stress on his face gave away the reality) and Oliver was serenaded as a hashy birthday boy. RA CandyMan had it in for all and sundry but WoundedKnee? seemed to have incurred special wrath by not paying for NurseRatchett?, and by running into a billboard (brilliantly impersonated in the artistic role play by DumbAss). Four latecomers and a can rolling ten pin bowler from America by the name of SpreadsEasily? (who was wearing a BP t-shirt the RA noted) joined departee GaryGlitter?, hat wearing F... Off, dog wearing PleasureCentre?, and HeadGasket for downdowns. No less than eight sensible types were rewarded for their returnee status before the virgins and visitors were introduced. F... Off (Rheinhart) from Germany, Rocky from Zambia, SpreadsEasily? (Jessie) from Washington DC, and Lillian from Moshe all received a warm welcome. In handing the circle back to the GM, the RA deemed it time for a naming of Hanna and Oliver so great mental efforts were expended and beer cans emptied in the search for the perfect names. Flatulence' offspring obviously have a hard time of it but the RA (calling on his giblets again) blessed the previous Oliver with GasLeak?, and Hanna has become PuffDada?. The final battle of the day was set up by CockRoach to answer the eternal question 'who's the noisiest of them all'. HeadGasket was suprisingly eliminated and it left a playoff between Flatulence and ShaggyHaggis. The GM had thoughtfully provided each contestant with a rather large blow up prick attached by velcro to a waist belt and the lads did strut there stuff in an attempt to dis(arm?) the opposition. The loser was deemed to be he who's weapon first dangled down, and inspite of a 'best of three' call, Flatulence proved the value of a close affinity with gas inflated objects. Moving right along, Dominatrix having eventually turned up and later still remembered her regalia, she disrobed in the circle and nominations were invited for a new hashshit. EasyLet?, KnightRider?, ManCuff and ShaggyHaggis initially accrued similar votes but a re-scream left ManCuff with the honour for setting a trail with no beer stop (which Dommie found fitting after her similar experience the week before). Virgins were invited back into the circle and SLSC was followed by tasty eatables and plenty drinkables. Shaggy would be insulted if his comedic triumph wasn't used again, so it has to be said that PleasureCentre? invites you to her G spot next week. Looking forward to it, so see you there. Squire L

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Run no: 1389 GM : WetDream RA : CandyMan Venue : Banzai's mosquito farm in Upanga Hares : Banzai, Dominatrix Confusius say "First rule of setting trail - avoid allest". Maybe someone should have told Banzai to study the other eastern civilisation before he singlehandedly invaded the Tz army barracks and was frogmarched off to Solander Bridge. However TinySausage and Boxer rallied to the rescue, and Banzai escaped before they arrived anyway, so the general laughter and lack of concern from the slathering pack - eager to burn off energy and get to the beer asap - was not so callous as it may have seemed. Due to strict orders not to bring his running friends near the camp Banzai then totally ignored his trail and we had a blast through town, led by Tiny and his horn. The walkers and the short running bastards all crossed paths and amazingly it all had a semblance of arranged mayhem, although we missed out on a beer stop. Fighting off the helicopter sized mossies, WetDream and Candyman went through the usual circle routine. No trailmaster but Twitcher knew that ManCuff will be hosting nwh on the peninsula (address tbc). No announcements - yeah. Various misdemeanours involved the warm safari - including a virgin trainee doctor who took three attempts to learn that you drink it when we say down down down - bring back the marines; dress code infringements included a dress; returnees Dominatrix, Candyman and CandyBlower were able to lead a Warm Safari singalong and then we reached the vast heaving mass of virgins. CandyBlower specifically asked that it be recorded that they were divided into tranches - of course he did it by sex. Ferhan?? from Glasgow, Patrick from california, Dermott from Dublin, Stephen from Newcastle and Sam from London made up one sex, and Ashley from canada, Destiny from Pennsylvania, and Pamela from Glasgow made up the other. Dominatrix and Close Encounters spent a happy while trying to determine how the reverse cowgirl worked (and it was highlighted that Dommie is an official newly wed so she had no reson to know). In essence some bland choices with no spectacular new fsp's for our education. Banzai was a no brainer to retain the hashshit regalia, so Dominatrix won it for not arranging the beerstop (even though she had nothing to do with arranging the beer stop). SLSC and fine fare, and a welcome libation. It'll all cvome right at manCuff's place next week. See ya there. Squire L

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HASH TRASH Run No : 1388 ? (so the GM said) GM : CampBed RA : ShaggyHaggis Venue : The tentsite Hares : ManCuff and CampBed Advertised by ManCuff as a long run with few checks (and many defectors swopped to the walk at the beer stop), but it turned out to be quite reasonable and BumTitty? complained of too many checks. HeadGasket thought it was bottom burning - no explanation of his reasoning was forthcoming. Desperate characterised the walk as too short and not enough people so get your trainers out and keep her company next week. The circle was led by the fake GM, starting in with a SAFARI rendition to welcome back GaryGlitter?. GG then did a Ripper imitation (no idea where the next run is), copied by WetDream (no idea where .. ), copied by Banzai (no idea .. wait a minute ... its at my place if there are no other ideas). Announcements went unexpectedly well - there were none, despite someone asking the GM to declassify where the Morogoro run would be held - so his holey mess the Religious Advisor took over the circle. ArseLiquor had been seen blatantly phone abusing on the run and then compounded the offense in the circle. so was awarded a grand malt (in deference to orders re alcohol consumption). GG (being the chief culprit in the grand malt production circles) was also made to drink some and managed to bravely smack his lips in anticipated enjoyment. AL cleverly conjured yet another phone call and immediately played the duty calls card, swiftly disappearing out of the gate at a run, never to be seen again. Boxer suffered in his place as the look a like stand in. Inappropriately dressed, squatters at South Beach, not the mismanagers .. the sinners were called forth, somehow segueing into SISTER BELINDA. Departees were sensibly non existent, but returnees were plentiful (WD, Desperate and SoggyShaggis?, GG, BumTitty?, JustScott? and Sergio). BT was responsible for the mention of a town in N Tanzania which led to showers for all courtesy of KiliDogo? and Gemma, amongst others. Virgins Russ, Paddy and Christina were introduced with absolutely no interest in FSPs honest. WetDream reported on last months DOBIE hash in France, (I think I heard to be held in Cornwall next year at MrSh?..ole and NastyPasty's ?) Back to the important stuff and the HashShit? honour was so eagerly sought that only the 3 virgins plus Boxer, Banzai and Squirrel were left on the outside of the circle. By dint of the GM's twisted logic Banzai won the regalia. Don't bother trying to work it out. To cap the evening the GM decided that as Twitcher persists in offering her daughter the bad example of hash behaviour, Gemma should be offered up to the circle for a proper name. GG was dumbfounded at the suggestion of BabyGlitter? (Twitcher went very quiet), Sweety and Twinkle were also rejected, and (for the foreseeable future) the RA blessed exGemma with the fitting name of Sparkle. Business concluded as usual with SLSC and onon plentiful and tasty fodder with the odd bevvy thrown in. See ya next week at Banzai's. Squire L

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It was a tiny, collegial Hash (don't ask me what number it was; who knows where my trusty Scribe notebook is). Oh, and before you ask, no, I didn't send out Hash Trash from the 19 July Hash, because I was too busy working. Scary but true, so keep your 'Sounds likes ...' to yourselves. The details of that Hash are a bit fuzzy now, but I seem to remember that it was small, and held at the Oysterbay Shops. And the chapatis were awesome. And Arse Liquor will never again be allowed to be RA. That was epically bad, and the less details we remember, the better.

At any rate, the most recent Hash was hosted by Spitz n Swalloz at ye olde camp site, which she shares with Camp Bed, when he's not off frolicking in the Udzungwa Mountains. Cat in the Hat was the running hare and set either a 1). fiendishly confusing trail that wasn't as long as it was supposed to be or 2). a nice little jog through the peninsula, depending on who you ask. Horny Goat seemed to hold the first opinion, because she was heard raking Cat in the Hat over the coals a few times. Spitz pressed Alice (in Wonderland?) into service as the walking hare, as Spitz herself had to drive all over creation fetching food then looking for the site of the beer stop, which Cat in the Hat said was "at the intersection of Chole Road and the road that the yacht club is on". Those of you who live in Dar will know that those roads actually run parallel to one another and never meet, hence the rolling beer stop that almost missed the thirsty group of Hashers.

Flatulence was pressed into service as the GM, as everyone else was on holiday or just being anti-social by not coming to the Hash, and Pleasure Center was the RA. Flatulence promised a short circle, but he started feeling his oats and getting into the spirit of things, and the damn circle went on for about as long as it always does. Did I mention it was a tiny Hash? (Yes, Tiny Sausage was there, too). About 19 intrepid Hashers showed up. Songs were sung (badly), jokes were made (poorly), and people were insulted (frequently). Two American virgins eventually pitched up, after running around the peninsula for 2 hours, looking for the Hash. They couldn't find it because the location hadn't been posted on the website. This led to Camp Bed being named Hashit in absentia for who knows why really (for those of you who know why, I would remind you that I am the Scribe this week, and what I say happened, happened. So there.). Close Encounters made a lovely Camp Bed stand-in, and modeled the Hashit gear for all of her admirers.

Next week's Hash will be .... where, you ask? Yes, at Spitz n Swalloz and Camp Bed's house, 898 Msasani, AGAIN. Why on earth is the Hash at the same spot 2 weeks in a row, you ask? Because none of you other slackers stepped up to the plate, that's why. You'll just have to deal with it, and any complaints will be met with a firm kick to the backside. Where was I? Oh yes, we drank more beer, sang more songs, and ended the circle with 'Swing Low', which one of the virgins actually knew, having hashed all over Asia, apparently.

ON ON!

-Spitz

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Run No. 1385 Venue: Twitchers Abode in Buzwagi Street Hares: Twitcher, Foxy Pussy & Wet Dream Grandmaster: Cockroach Religious Advisor: Camp Bed

As the football world cup which seemed to drag on forever had finally come to an end, it seemed most appropriate that the circle magically drown in vuvuzela-ish noise produced by endless numbers of thoughtful hashers without any use of instrument resembling equipment – in other words: just another bloody Monday!

Unfortunately the notes of the guest scribe has gone down the same road as the hashit gear does way to often – to the washing machine. Not that it would make any difference what-so-ever as the hashers these days are such a sad bunch of w*nkers it’s more interesting making it all up anyway..!

Anyways... The run was long-ish, I guess, but having checks on every street corner, one felt more like a hooker in high season. But a jolly run it was, complete with a locked up beer stop close to disaster..

Announcements... NWH will be on Monday – surprise! Hosted by Bombastique from a so far unknown location, but he will probably surprise us as often before… And the Morogoro hash will be on 11-12 September possibly including the Friday depending on the moon. Deposit 30,000 to be paid asap.

A new gadget producing ‘H’ shaped blobs of American secret were introduced on the run and were rewarded with and H-shaped Horizontal down-down to the hares..

Camp Bed made a special but certainly not memorable appearance as religious advisor, introducing two virgins a couple of visitors and long lost Dar hashers to the Dar es Salaam hash. Most of them brought by boxer and arriving from exotic places like SA, NZ and DK… Names and sexual preferences were as I recall equally boring so no shame they’ve been lost.

Some people looking Spanish or Dutch or having watched a football match in SA had a drink and the hashit title were once again donated to Cat-in-a-Hat? – because we really want to see it on – although Easy Let would have worn the purple very gracefully.. And the circle ended in usual disorder.

On on!

HG

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Run No. 1384 Venue: 4 Kenyatta Drive – Next to German Ambassador’s residence (Any chance we can come back next week and sing ‘Deutchland, Deutchland alles ist vorbei..’?) Hares: Fully Fitted, Cockroach, Wet Dream Grandmaster: Cockroach Religious Advisor: Wet Dream

Following the weekend of celebrating the dumb -dumb independence (OR drinking free champagne in Amsterdam… People are so different), it looked a bit suspicious having the road map leading to TWH issued by Camp Bed, who we all know as the best of American intelligence, not to mention our host’s - the new deputy high commissioner (the British that is) - THICK American accent.. You can’t help but wonder, if the USA has taken over Britain, will we be next..??

Anyways... The run was long or short or slightly indifferent depending on the number of shortcuts used if any. At some point some wannabe runners were in danger of losing out on the beer stop but fortunately they we’re recovered and redirected and hashy peace restored. MLP was believed seen running - that that came as much as a surprise to him as most others. Flatulence thought the run was good, despite the lack of multiple beer stops!

Announcements... NWH will be at Sea Cliff Apartments and the Morogoro hash will be in September from a secret venue – Pay deposit from next week and you might be told.

Wet Dream gave a special appearance as guest RA, and judging by his performance he won’t appear again. He did ensure to make the most of it though, finding amusement in giving the GM a horizontal down-down administered by the one and only Boogie B assisted by a diplomatic puppy!

There were a bunch of returnees, all having sad and boring lives except from park’n’ride being sheik shagging in Tunis. And the misdemeanors were not worth wasting paper on. Two virgins were present; Scott from Wisconsin who was quite keen on anything with anybody as long as there were enough mirrors and Sergio from California who prefered it upright.

Speaking of the WC; As we all know, USA can’t score without help from the English and the English can’t score at all, which is why a hashy replay had to be done. The England side counted the big names of Captain Cockroach, MLP, Flatulence and Wet Dream. The American side were.. well.. American. Needless to say who won.

The Hashit award were more popular than a wallet in Kariakoo.. EasyLet? were nominated for not doing the dishes, Tiny for arriving late, leaving early and not paying his depts., Cat-in-a-Hat? for being American (should be reason enough!), MLP for being on the phone most of the run and Arse Liquor for being Hashit every other week. Cat-in the Hat got the honor and following SLSC he let the masses to the food.

HG

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HASH TRASH Run No. 1383 Venue: Valhalla Hares: Perkle, Panty Pockets Grandmaster: Cockyroach Religious Advisor: The Perkle

Another good 'un from Pinko Perkle, with the added attraction of TWO beer stops. This could catch on in a big way. Hey ... why don't we have a beer stop at every check? Tributes flowed in - Castratus thought it was "excellent" (how could he know?) and Close Encounters even stopped chatting for a second to say it was "fantastic". The GM remembered to express the Hash's appreciation for the herculean efforts put in by the beer hares - to wit Candyblower and Kili'ndago (sic). Announcements came thick and fast: NWH is at the BHC, the Dumb Dumb Hash has been postponed for lack of dummies, and if you're daft enough to want to go on the Morogoro Hash (Sept 11th / 12th) at a mystery location you should cough up a Tsh 30,000 deposit in early August.

The GM claimed that the Hash has been instrumental in persuading so many of our male members to pay the ultimate price for getting regular sex - - witness Flatulence and Hornigoat, Bumtitty and Toti, some canuck schmuck and Dominatrix - though this cannot be the reason why Close Encounters has decided on a wedding (she is not entirely sure who the groom will be). The Hash expects to be given a full account of the nuptials, though we don't need to inspect the sheets. Moving very quickly on now to the RA, who kicked off his slot by dragging in hordes of FRBs - Twitcher, Takkkatrakkker, and Service Me, together with a dash of hashers with appalling dress sense - to wit Gary Glitter, Shaggy Haggis, and Shark Killer. Latecummers included Wet Dream and his minder, Foxy Pussy, and Castratus. There were no virgins to be had - a sign of the appalling moral standards of the younger generation? .... or just the fact that Head Gasket wasn't there? The RA then dragged the over-cocky Jocks (full of schadenfreude about England's exit from the World Cup) into the Circle for a down down. There was a distinct lack of enthusiasm for awarding the Hashit, though Candyblower did her bit by nominating Candyman for some peccadillo or other (don't ask him to show you his peccadilloes, you'll just encourage him). Anyway, the Hashit went to Arse Liquor - who couldn't receive it in person because Grannypanties had kept him in for being naughty. And the Circle ended in the traditional way.

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HASH TRASH Run No. 1382 Venue: Jackie's Bar Hares: NightRider? (the Brains) Boxer (the Grunt) Panty Pockets (the Fluff) Grandmaster: Cockroach Religious Advisor: The Perkle

An all-time 'classic' from a very experienced stable - solid without being stolid, fairly brisk, but with andante passages, a creditable length, and clever enough to fool a marine. And the Hash trail wasn't bad either. Spitsssssss said the walk was 'awesome', not least 'cos they were only three so they got to make up their own rowt' (sic). The Trailmaster put it about that NWH will be at Valhalla. The Dumb Dumb Hash will be on the 4th July at Babu & Boogie's Beach Shack. The Morogoro Hash will be held at a mystery location on 11/12 September.

The RA had worked himself up into a right stooshie about Paul washing the Hashit gear - but how was he to know that this was a no-no? He won't do it again. Sundry latecomers included Shakina (as she was then known), Twin Peaks, Get Me Off, Arse Liquor- and Close Encounters got dragged in there as well. Mr Bombastic was congratulated on being a Hash Hero for getting off a plane and into a waiting US Embassy limousine, which whisked him straight to the Hash. By this time Arse Liquor was becoming increasingly disruptive - he was either high on coke, or he had forgotten to take his Ritalin again. Loads of oiks were punished for being inappropriately dressed, and there were a few returnees including No Comment. Only one Virgin - Patrick from Dar - whose FSP is 'anything that is on offer' - wise beyond his years that guy. And then a first for the Hash - a crisp break, courtesy of Arse Liquor, who had by this time completely lost it - paying a peripatetic grocer 10,000 for 2,000 worth of crisps. The RA had taken a shine to the near-virginal Shakina, so he put her up for naming. SHARKILLER was what she got - it is not often that a girl gets a Hash name she can repeat to her mother. Candidates for Hashit including Paul (for disrespecting the Hashit regalia) Head Gasket (for making Gemma cry - and making Spitss spitting mad) and AL (for his impertinent impersonation of one his country's closest allies in the war against terror). It went to AL. The Circle ended with SLSC.

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HASH TRASH Run No. 1381 Venue: CampBed's tent, Grants Road, Msasani Hares: Loves That Shit, Candyblower Grandmaster: Cockroach Religious Advisor: The Perkle

Loves That Shit dished up some outrageously mendacious marking at one point, but when all's said and done it was a very Ok trail - The Perkle went so far as to say that it was 'pretty damn good', though, if you trust his opinion on anything, you're dafter than I thought. Desperate said the walk was very chatty, and that she had even learnt a new recipe for fairy cakes (I made that last bit up). In the absence of the Trailmaster and the presence of his clueless lookalike (Squirrel) we moved onto announcements, viz. the Dumb Dumb Hash on the 3rd & 4th of July at South Beach, and, on the 11th & 12th September, the Morogoro Hash, which the GM was at pains to point out will this year be held in ......Morogoro.

The RA has been under the doctor (something to do with genital warts apparently, but we won't go there - Candyblower isn't - and I would trust her judgement anyday) but this didn't stop him making Easy Let and Stella drink out of their (newish) shoes. And not content with this he then unleashed a tirade about hashers who do muscle-stretching exercises at the checks, and hashers - MLP and Shaggy - who use inside intelligence (sic) to short cut to the beer stop via a neighbourhood bar. Returnees included Slappa, Shaggy, Tiger, My Little Pony, Close Encounters and the Candies themselves. Loves That Shit ripped his 'orrible shorts off to reveal ................ another pair of 'orrible shorts underneath. He is donating them to the Hashit regalia - how thoughtful of him. Sad to say, he and Retarded Leprechaun, Sail and Nutcracker are leaving us.

The Virgins - Peter, Paul and Mary, plus Matt and Stella, came up with the usual answers, but Lesley's "anything in front of a mirror" sent a frisson of sexual excitement around the Circle - either that or the RA had a can of insect repellent in his shorts pocket. I think we should move quickly on now to Kevin, who from henceforth will be known as RAGING TROTS - something to do with his extreme left-wing views apparently. Unusually, the Hashit was awarded to a Virgin - Paul - for taking the running and fitness part of the Hash far too seriously. The RA told him that the good news was that he would be first at the food, though he immediately had second thoughts about this, remembering some of the crap we have had to swallow on the Dar Hash. We were warned that it was spicy, so I feared that we would all have the raging trots, but in fact it was a piece of piss (perhaps not the most apposite phrase to use when describing good food - Ed). The food was great - honest - even Flatulence would have found nothing to complain about. Did I mention that the Circle ended with SLSC? - well I have now.

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